


Balance Requires Motion

by silasfinch



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Gen, Horses, Light BDSM, Reunions, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2020-06-26 20:36:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19775953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: AU: Veterinarian  Eve Polastri barely recovers from the breakup with Oksana Astankova and certainly isn't ready to fix the broken champion." Their relationship self distracted for all the predicable reasons and was all but built on a foundation of gossamer strings. The older woman falling for somebody nearly half her age, different cultural backgrounds, life philosphies. Oksana only has a passing acquaintanceship with monogamy and Eve is cheating on her husband for the first time. Her therapist has some metaphor about tap dancing blindfolded in a live minefield."24/2/20: Today





	1. Chapter 1

  
_“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.”_  
_― Ralph Waldo Emerson_

"You are shrivelling here, Eve, Somebody of your talent shouldn't be wasting away in a backwater hovel."

Eve barely resists the urge to roll her eyes and hurl insults in multiple languages. Only somebody with Oksana Astankova's warped perceptions of luxury would consider this place a hovel. The Equine Therapy Centre that Bill and Keiko build is one of the best in Britain and benefits in equal parts from Mrs Pargrave's tremendous wealth and determination that her husband enjoys retirement with their new baby.

Their stable of twelve horses and ponies is certainly enough to keep Eve busy both as a veterinarian and as the de facto manager as she recovers from her trainwreck of a life. Telling Oksana any of this would involve physically talking to her and while she promises Carolyn Martens to listen to the former Olympian, her former boss said nothing about two-way communication.

"I have three new Andalusians that are just begging for your particular brand of care, I've missed you" Oksana offers in that sing-song way that heightens her accent.

Eve can hear the disdain for the range of breeds that inhabit this place; the lovely animals are chosen more for their gentle natures and penitence that flashy bloodlines. Oksana takes pride in taming the 'untenable' and winning over the most challenging Arabian colts or fillies; it doesn't take a medical degree to figure out the connection. Perhaps their differing styles of horsemanship is indicative of why their relationship is prime fodder for her extremely expensive therapist who charges by the buzzword.

"I am sure your bevvy of wealthy socialites in jodhpurs will be more than willing to assist on both counts, no need to sully your pristine boots amongst the mix breeds and the washouts" Eve curses herself for even responding.

Surprisingly Oksana doesn't have a witty response, but the older woman still gives up on trying to finish the clinical notes and decides to the inspections in person, maybe her former lover will take the hint and leave. Surely another competition is just waiting for Oksana's particular brand of chaos and mayhem.

Of course, her inner monologue isn't entirely fair, Oksana may live in a world of the ex-pat Oligarch class but she a legitimately talented rider who deserves every award, despite all the rumours of cheating, backstabbing and debauchery. Today the young Russian is wearing old riding clothes and well-worn boots, her blond hair is done in a simple plait, and her gaunt frame indicates she isn't getting into a combination.

"Nobody compares to you Eve, and I have the scars to prove it."

Their relationship self distracted for all the predicable reasons and was all but built on a foundation of gossamer strings. The older woman falling for somebody nearly half her age, different cultural backgrounds, life philosophies. Oksana only has a passing acquaintanceship with monogamy and Eve is cheating on her husband for the first time. Her therapist has some metaphor about tap dancing blindfolded in a live minefield.

Eve barely acknowledges to herself that she misses the smell of  
Villanelle perfume and still secretly follows the woman on Instagram.

The sad part of the situation is that she can't bring herself to regret these interactions, even after all the public and private humiliations, practically being disowned by her family and facing the prospect of real jail time. Her time with Oksana made Eve feel more alive and connected to her identity than the rest of her adult life put together.

  
***

**Negotiation Stage 1: Opening Discussion**

"You are close to bankruptcy, Niko will get everything in the divorce."

"He deserves everything and then some, it's not like he has a problem proving infidelity or marital breakdown ."

Eve frowns as she runs her hand down Storm's right front hove and the surrounding tissues, trying to detect any slight heat or swelling. He is one of the most reliable and friendly horses but has shown some reluctance recently, it can be hard to distinguish an injury in the stoic tempered breeds, and it was best to catch these things early, not as crucial as her previous job but still worth the extra time.

At least here is an injury she can control.

In fact, Niko being a good and decent man, isn't leaving her destitute by any ordinary people's measuring stick. He clung to their marriage for years trying to be the husband that Eve wanted and now just wants to move on and admit defeat. Heck, he will probably get her family in the division of assets.

Having an illicit affair with a much younger woman and being caught in the act of lesbian BDSM is the last in a long line of marital sins. From failing miserably at learning authentic Polish cooking to forgetting the names of workmates he's had for years. In her darkest days, Eve wonders if playing the martyr is Niko's kink like dominating Oksana is apparently hers.

"You didn't even put up a fight for anything!" Oksana scowls at her in consternation.

"Not everything is a competition, and I couldn't exactly claim any moral high ground or spin a convincing lie. I am not bankrupt or anything close to it you snob."

Oksana huffs in frustration as she follows Eve to the tack room, the smell of that distinctive perfume makes Eve's hands tremble slightly. Carolyn is wrong; there is no way she is ready for these conversations. She is a barely functional human being, let alone some sort of Horse Whisperer.

"Please, I'll pay any price or make any donation you want just help me figure out why I am riding worse than Konstantin's five your old daughter. My goddaughter is wonderful, but it's getting mortifying now."

Eve can't even take pleasure in her pain.

***

  
**Negotiation Stage 2: Goal Orientation**

"You are close to blacklisted in the industry, nobody will hire you if I give the word"

"This might be a difficult concept for you to understand, Oksana, but there are parts of the world, even the horsing world that is outside your influence or that of your millionaire backers. I don't want the world that you are threatening to take away from me."

Eve instinctively moves into Oksana space as she looters in the doorframe of her office, looking crisp and perfect in her competition outfit and hair in a competition style. The older woman fights the urge to yank it out out of place, knowing that Oksana wouldn't protest the action in the slightest.

"You can't threaten somebody who is already at the bottom, Oksana. I have little left to lose" the words are painful to say but no less accurate.

"This place is boring and a vet with a half a brain cell could care for ponies for sad children and delinquents."

Eve shrugs neither agreeing or offering a defence as she scans Oksana face not entirely sure what she is looking for behind the perfect makeup and expensive minimalist jewellery. It is gratifying when Oksana is the first to back away if only a fraction. Eve itches to touch the pale skin that is flushing under her attention.

Its all for the show because Oksana won't enter the competition or she will tank in the first round. For whatever reason, the comparatively minor flesh wound prevents her from riding on her star horse. Eve does her best to avoid the media speculation about Oksana and wear her talent went, but the rumours are unavoided even out here.

"Do you still think about that night?" Eve whispers

"All the time, especially when I can't sleep" Oksana replies "do you?"

"I think of little else."

Eve does touch her then if only for a movement, tracing a gentle hand across familiar features and brushing the faint bruise on her cheekbone. She has no right to ask who gave her this mark, but the question still burns.

***

**Negotiation Stage 3: Navigation of Expectations**

"It's your fault I am like this"

Technically speaking Oksana is bordering on stalking her and Bill wouldn't hesitate to bar the younger woman from Palgrave lands to protect his favourite equine vet. Involving anyone else in their strange dynamic is out of the question, especially when Eve has the criminal record for grievous bodily harm and 'domestic dispute' even though there is nothing domestic about their relationship.

"I know, which is why I am the last person in this industry or on the planet you should come to for advice, never mind I am not qualified."

Eve doesn't look up from the selection of antibiotics she is mixing, trying to will the flashbacks to ease at the mere mention of Oksana's injury and the resulting circus of accusations and emotional wreckage.

"Shouldn't I be the one to make that decision?"

"Neither of us has shown anything close to good judgement when it comes to each other, and unlike you, I have to face the consequences in real-time."

It was about four months into the brief affair when they discover a mutual appreciation for power games, and they fall into roles with relative ease. Eve feels a rush of power every time Oksana submits to her commands and even in the haze of adultery tries to be responsible in assuming the dominant position, secretly reading guides and haunting forums.

Up until the night, everything went wrong; her only real complaint was that Oksana's pale skin was too quickly marked. The problem with conducting an affair is that you are always racing the clock and don't have time for gradual exploration. There are no mentors that can advise on safe escalation even in a post-Fifty Shades debate.

That night she is angry and shouldn't agree to play the scene when she isn't able to focus. She wants to control something in her life and agreeing to Oksana's request feels like the fastest route to dopamine and stress relief.

That night Oksana is in a petulant mood and is deliberately goading her for a reaction after earning several falts in around. Eve knows the young woman well enough to read the warning signs and suggest alternative pleasure.

That night Eve realises she is missing a work event at Niko's school for the third year in a row and is subconsciously watching the clock. Her safety checks are careless at best, and her monitoring of the situation is non-existent.

That night Eve has the briefest desire to actually hurt Oksana for the all the chaos her presence brights, handling a knife even as part of a scene is a desperately bad idea.

They play the scene anyway, and Eve can still feel the blood as she slips and breaks Oksana's skin.

***

**Negotiation Stage 4: Bargaining**

"I can't do this without you."

For the first time in the 8 weeks since Oksana starts haunting her workspace, Eve looks directly at her. There is a vulnerability in the younger woman that is both completely strange and achingly familiar. Eve's life would have been so much easier if this entire relationship was purely sex and ego, that sad Oksana doesn't touch something deep inside her soul.

"You don't need me Oksana, you just think you do because I wasn't so easy to conquer and I got the last word in our little game of escalating provocation.

Eve wants to sound confident and in control, but Oksana has come at a particularly wrong time, and she doesn't have the energy to muster up an impressive front. Bill may have to retire one of the kids favourite pony who isn't responding to her third round of antibiotics and has a persistent chest infection and cough. Eve is wracking her brains trying to think of an alternative solution, but they are running out of options.

Oksana is leaning against Sunshine's stall watching impassively as Eve moves the stethoscope around for a better listen.

"Will you have to put her down?" there is an oddly gentle note in the question.

"Yes and even though she is nothing special and just plodding kids pony, they love her, and I'm not particularly looking forward to writing the report so save the comments."

"I have..."

"The best resources in the world and a respiratory specialist on speed dial, all the will in the world isn't going to help here." Eve hisses angrily trying not to disturb the pony in question.

"Sleeping bags and food in my truck, I'm assuming you are going to spend the night praying to the veterinary gods if nothing else" Oksana finishes cooly.

Before Eve can even think to offer an apology, Oksana leaves and Eve distracts herself by running more unnecessary tests. They work in silence when Oksana returns, putting together a makeshift campsite in the empty stall opposite the medical containment area. Eve doesn't open when all the provisions are enough for two people.

"If anybody can figure out a solution it's you, Eve," Oksana says confidently.

"You should be last person complimenting my healing skills" Eve whispers back.

Her eyes a drawn to the spot where she knows a long scar is healing on Oksana's abdomen, missing vital organs by pure accident rather than careful handling. Eve can still feel the weight of the knife as she accidentally pushes too hard and forgets all common sense much less the safety rules of power games.

"Scars heal, Eve. You were just as skilled at holding me together."

Eve feels almost sick, remembering her frantic efforts to recall human first aid and apply the right amount of pressure and monitoring her lover for signs of deadly shock. Their nameless of the hotel of the month was right next to a Trauma Centre which most likely saved Oksana's life but not Eve's marriage or reputation.

"You should have let them send me to jail and spent your money on something better than fancy lawyers."

"You should have answered your phone or email."

***

**Negotiation Stage 5: Agreement**

"I'll look at her and the two of you together, but I can't promise anything."

Its almost gratifying to see Oksana caught off guard in her home territory and she blinks at Eve in shock as they linger in the doorway of her homestead style living space. For a woman who is famous for her flawless coordination and poses the nervous way, she flutters her hands is telling.

Eve thinks the softening of her mood has something to do with waking up with Oksana at her side with hay sticking in her hair. Sunshine is even peeking listlessly at her feed bucket, her breathing slightly more comfortable and natural. Her tail and ears and twitching in a healthier body posture.

The truth is Eve knew that she was fighting a losing battle the second Carolyn Marteen picks up the phone. Hiding isn't going to make the situation with Oksana magically go away, no matter what the courts and legal paperwork says, she tried hiding to save her marriage, and the results were similar.

Eve almost smiles at the superhuman effort Oksana makes not to react either too enthusiastically or with that characteristic nonchalance that use to lead to the versions of their arguments that were not fun and did not involve sex. The smile on her face is radiant, and the reason Oksana gets so many sponsorship deals, but there is something close to genuine gratitude in her eyes.

"I'll even ride your boring therapy nags give them a proper workout as payment since you won't accept any other kind of currency." the flirting is something close to a reflective at this point.

"Storm and the others might surprise you" Eve comments "first things first take me to your problem child."

Villanelle is a stunning horse and intervening months haven't altered this fact in any way. She is a beautifully bred animal and moves flawlessly in every movement from simple walking to complex dressage, her black mane and coat gleam in the afternoon sunlight. Three independent vets cannot find a reason for her inability to perform, and Eve cannot see any visible signs of distress in her interactions with Oksana.

"Let's figure out what's going on, Pretty Girl" Eve mutters as she heads to the fence line.

Oksana gasps softy, and it is only than Eve remembers that she is using one of her many pet names for the younger woman and in a similarly tender tone. Neither of them mentions the fact as they watch the horse come trotting over for both attention and a carrot.

***

"You understand the principle of collateral damage, don't you?"

Carolyn Martens looks up from the crossword and gives Eve puzzled look as if they only spoke this morning and not nearly a year ago. The excentric aristocratic with more political clout than most at Downing Street considered Eve one of her best investments until things go messy. The Martens family is known to bred and show some of the best dressage horses in the world and were wealthy enough to have a veterinarian on staff.

"Yes, Eve, you and Ms Astankova have done such a good job of containing the fallout without my interference" Carolyn offers sarcastically before gesturing towards the tea set invitingly.

"I hate seeing talent go to waste and both of you are languishing like beaten puppies waiting for a master" Carolyn continues as she butters a scone.

"Poor choice of words there, Boss. There is no way I can or should be the one to heal a broken Oksana Astankova."

"If your delightful mother didn't tell you to clean up your messes, I am doing so now, clean up your mess, Polastri and fast before she looses her competitive edge completely."

Eve wants to protest, but she suspects Carolyn knows all the gory details and still believes this is the best cause of action to get the result she wants. Horses may just be a hobby for this woman in-between world domination, but Carolyn takes this passion seriously and will do anything to achieve the best results with her competition-ready stable of talent.

"You are paying for my therapy bills for the next year."

"I know an excellent Dominatrix who trains amateurs in safety regs. She would be a much better investment."

"Stop talking now."


	2. Opening Gauntlet

  
Oksana is true to her word.

Eve Polastri may love and defend her new position at The Pargrave Centre, but she isn't nieve enough to think the place fits with her old life. An Olympic champion giving up multiple Saturdays is all tall order. There is no reason for Oksana to come here beyond the sessions with her troublesome showhorse, not with Carolyn backing Eve's decision to work with Villanelle. Their relationship is a series of surreal experiences and the tender moments with Sunshine could be just one more anomaly in a long line.

"Where do you want me, Boss?"

The stable is mostly empty at 6 am on a non-riding day, but it is still embarrassing to almost shreak at Oksana's appearance at her office door. Eve uses Saturday mornings to catch up on endless clinic paperwork and admin chores. This hideaway serves a double purpose of dodging phone calls from her parents who refuse to believe their daughter could fall so far from parental and familial expectations. Niko still has monthly lunches with them, which is a horrifying thought.

"I didn't expect you to show up until we start sessions with Villanelle in earnest."

Her words aren't strictly true Eve complies an exercise programme for the horses as soon as they make the unofficial bargain. Oksana isn't entirely wrong when she says the horses could use more exercise with an experienced rider who will not them play up out of boredom. The programme volunteers have differing levels of expertise, but training isn't their primary purpose.

"Your motley crew could use all the help they can get, and Konstantin thinks I am growing soft without regular rides. The shrink he hired harps on about exposure therapy" Oksana sounds utterly contemptuous of both notions.

"Exposure to horses or me?" Eve asks before she can consider the merit of that line of questioning.

"Don't be absurd Eve I would never tell Konstantin's goon anything remotely personal. We spend the whole hour debating fake childhood memories; the poor Russian orphan gets people every time." Oksana shrugs casually.

Eve is simultaneously horrified and charmed by Oksana's assessment of the situation even if aspects of the rider's personal life are all over Instagram and the tabloids. The magnetic pull of attraction and aversion is something that feels unique to their dynamic. For all she knows, Oksana has an older woman on every continent. It's not like they whisper confidences between BDSM scenes aftercare was not non-existent.

"Ok Tolstoy save your stories for another day, help me tack up the mounts" Eve orders briskly.

It's a safe bet that few people get to see Oksana Astankova in such a casual state. Her boots are definitely worn looking, and her jodhpurs display permanent grass and arena dust stains. Strangely she is wearing a Sticky Fingers Rolling Stones teeshirt under a light jacket with the Martens Stable logo. Eve has the almost uncontrollable urge to saddle Xiezhi her personal horse and share a long trail ride.

They both have enough problems without giving in to such temptations.

**Problem One: Impatience**

Oksana cannot ride when she is trying to outrun her problems with enough speed and flare.

"You don't need to display mastery of the universe here, Oksana."

Oksana is a young woman who carries the label of prodigy wherever she goes and competes at the highest level from earliest childhood. Horsemanship is the chosen vehicle for her talents, but this is more a fluke of opportunity and competition with her American host families. High-level equestrian events is an ideal venue for somebody ambitious and looking to fund a particular lifestyle. Unlike riders with more mediocre talent, Oksana hasn't experienced a genuinely bad ride in close to a decade.

Storm is a horse with perfect manners and is not presenting the slightest challenge to Oksana as they move into a canter. Yet her posture is all wrong, her legs are gripping when they should be loose, and hold on the reins is harsh. Oksana still beats the average person on her worst day, but anybody reviewing her critically would deduct plenty of points.

Villanelle will not be forgiving either with her high strung temperament and proud lineage.

"Stop thinking and ride the horse - your body knows the steps."

"Should I live my truth too? such an American" Oksana hisses as she passes Eve at the fenceline.

It's hard to tell with their circular conversations but Eve suspects that Oksana genuinely believes that bringing Villanelle to the woman who trained her will solve all. Her professional and professional problems will fit in a neat little package.

**Problem Two: Ineffective Compartmentalising**

Oksana cannot ride when she is her mind is elsewhere.

Oksana isn't fully physically or psychologically healed from their disastrous last scene together.

Of course, an argument could be made that Oksana Astankova is never close to healthy, athletic and robust, but not healthy. The nature of the elite sport is pushing your body to extremes not meant for the human body or mind, and those without such a psychological predisposition rarely made it past the first round. Long before Eve become her lover, she observes thrill-seeking tendencies and recklessness barely contained within the sport.

"Does it hurt? Does it hurt worse when you are up there?" Eve asks as she hands over a water bottle while they take a break between horses.

Oksana is absentmindedly tracing her scar through the teeshirt that is slick with sweat and fresh dust. The expression her face is a mixture of pensive and possessive as if the injury is a mark of honour or symbolises something meaningful. Eve forces her gaze up to the younger woman's eyes not willing to face the distraction.

"Your aim isn't that good - all my organs and muscles are still in good working order." Oksana jerks her hand away defensively

"Then why are you favouring that side and guarding your weight so protectively, its throwing off your every acceleration." Eve knows she shouldn't be the person asking these questions."

"Maybe you need to honest with that psychiatrist, after all, Oksana. I don't think your riding technique needs the most attention here."

"Yet riding is the only aspect of my problem you are offering to help with, so we will get through the programme" Oksana insists through a clenched jaw.

  
**Problem Three: Distraction**

Oksana cannot ride when her concentration is as flighty as a new foal.

"He has a decent speed on him, and you have done well with their conditioning."

"Thank you for that seal of approval."

Oksana sounds genuinely astounded as she reins Zeus in from a gallop across the exercise paddock. The tall gelding is breathing heavily, and his coat is damp with sweat. He is still prancing from the thrill of the excuse to run without side walkers or a novice rider. If given half the chance Zeus would to the same trek over again. Eve will talk to Bill on Monday about using him exclusively for the more independent riders who attend on Thursday and Fridays.

Eve cannot help but admire the way Oksana looks after the execution that is well outside her ordinary of dressage and cross country. Long blond hair is unravelling from its plait, and her eyes are dancing with excitement as she removes the exercise saddle and bridle.

"You almost lost your balance on that last turn. If Zeus weren't such a steady boy, you would have fallen" Eve comments as she leads the animal in question through his warm down exercises.

"It was nothing - a momentary distraction involving a pigeon or something."

"A distraction for you or him?"

"If I can tell with your presence Eve, I can certainly overlook the rats of the sky."

Eve impulsively reaches out and grasps Oksana wrist as she moves past the stall to rehang the tack. The muscles beneath her hands tremble, in a way that has little to do with her recent physical activity. The way the younger woman instantly freezes shouldn't be so thrilling after all these months.

"You shouldn't enter any competitions like this, you know that, right? Forget your rankings, it would be unsafe for you or any of Carolyn's horses." Eve whispers earnestly unsure how to convey the seriousness of the situation.

"I am not stupid, Eve."

Oksana is far from stupid, but she is prideful and watching her competitors succeed in places that her domain will be wounding deeply. The truth is apparent, no matter how casual she may wish to claim otherwise. Carolyn needs her to solve this problem in record time, or Oksana will find another stable willing to take the risk.

**Problem Four: Fear and Vulnerability**

Oksana cannot ride or recover when she is afraid.

"You aren't visiting any clubs in this state are you or playing any scenes at home?"

Eve only musters up the courage to ask such a question because they are walking in companionable silence. More to the point, they are the far end of the property away from any potential eavesdroppers. Sunshine needs a gentle walk after his illness to rebuild muscle tone and capacity. Surprisingly Oksana doesn't leave the second the last horse has his run. Instead, she changes into one of Eve's spare tracksuits that is comically too large but keeps her warm in the shader parts of the property.

"So now you are taking an interest in my life? or my presence on the scene, why now?" Oksana fires back with a fierce scowl.

"Whether you believe me or not in our fucked-up dynamic, I never stopped caring about you, Oksana. I was just in no position to give you anything close to what you needed."

"Maybe I've found everything I need in someone else, who won't make such amateurish mistakes. I have plenty of value in certain markets."

"Undoubtedly, that is true, but you are in no condition to handle a scene right now. You can say all the right things to get an Irene Adler type to start the game but not enough restraint to stay safe" Eve insists trying to control her irrational jealousy.

"I thought your expertise were horses and secret affairs, not psychological profiling?" Oksana keeps her attention on Sunshine, but there is no mistaking her anger.

Eve wants to say that she spends every day since they met completely obsessing over everything that is Oksana Astankova. Further, that if it is possible for an amateur to develop a profile, she's done it long ago. This knowledge is why Eve is almost 100% certain there is no other dominant and that Oksana is just skirting on the fringes of the scene again.

  
***

"I am sorry for causing you such pain."

They are sharing a stirfry in Eve's cottage that borders the Pargrave land and is a pleasant mix of historical and modern. The kitchen is foolproof enough to avoid any major accidents, and a sudden guest isn't too much of a strain on Eve's limited domestic skills.

Eve feels moderately ridiculous, making such a statement. The levels of pain she an Oksana inflict on each other could full entire reference libraries on the topic. A mutual desire to explore this dynamic is what bound them so tightening together and made them both headless of the consequences both physically and psychologically.

"You will need to be more specific for your words to have any meaning, Eve." Oksana turns chopsticks into an art form, even the cheap supermarket variety.

Her actions that night will haunt Eve for the rest of her life and make her consider power differently. This realisation won't be any comfort to Oksana. But it's through this complicated affair that Eve realises why she was so poorly suited to being Niko Polastri's wife and the dutiful daughter.

"I was responsible for setting limits and keeping the lines of communication open and failed on both counts."

"I am not an easily broken flower in need of constant protection."

"No, but you were somebody who deserves more dignity and compassion than I gave you."

Eve interrupts any further protests by pressing a gentle kiss to Oksana's lips, tasting the ginger and source. She pulls back beyond anything can escalate out of control. Nothing between them is ever chaste or worthy of a mention in the novels of Jane Austen, but this touch is close to the term.

"Are you offering to kiss my hurts better, retrospectively, Eve?" Oksana queries breathlessly.

"More of a tactile apology - we always were better with actions than words."

"I will even forgive you your appalling taste in bed linen if this continues."

"The only thing that is progressing tonight is your sleep cycle after a long day. I meant what I said you are in no condition to ride at a competitive level or act out any scene. Your health is the key, no matter how tempting our new circumstances may be"


	3. Learning in London I

_That ooh, the side effect to my loneliness is you_

_Ooh, you're all that I want_

_No good at giving you up_

_Come on and give me some love tonight_

_Ooh, you're all that I want_

_No good at giving you up_

_Come on and give me some love tonight_

_This happens every time I try to mix_

_Decision makin' with one too many drinks_

The Chainsmokers - Side Effects

" I never saw any signs of this when you were younger."

Eve takes a massive bite of the overpriced rice balls to avoid snapping at her mother and the running commentary of the bizarre 'midlife crisis'. The estrangement with her parents isn't absolute. After all, they loved her enough to immigrate twice for a better life and weren't willing to let go of that investment entirely. It helps that the family still has strong ties to London and Eve is already in the capital for a Veterinary Science Conference. A local Koren restaurant with passable Kimchi provides something akin to neutral territory.

"We always kept you and your brother in a proper safe environment. There was no undue punishment..."

The brother in question chokes on his wine at the comment. Their mother is a retired teacher and a brilliant woman, but traditional family values run deep no matter where they live or how old children become. She will continue to have opinions on clothes, jobs and relationships. There is no sense in trying to explain the intricacies of relationship experience, even if Eve could understand reality enough to form words.

" I didn't contract an airborne pathogen, Mom. You don't need to wear contamination gear around me."

Her brother James shoots her warning look but remains silent. He is no doubt hoping to avoid a lecture on the flight home about talking sense into his sister.

"That would almost make more sense for all the information you are giving us. Hiding out at Bill's centre and not returning anyone's calls. We could understand the gay thing, like my second cousin, if you met..."

That was the problem in a nutshell the lesbian angle is the least of everyone's problem with this particular situation. Accepting an LGBT child is hard for older immigrant parents, but it is far from impossible, especially given how comparatively progressive their home town is. The scandal truly lies in her choice of partner, timing and leisure activity.

Oksana Astankova is further removed from Niko or anyone Eve's parents could understand as it is possible to get while remaining human. Not only is she a woman but a much younger woman from a different culture with questionable morality and public presence.

The divorce is a quiet dissolution of marriage without the complexity of kids or too many joint finances. Eve earns far more as a specialist vet on retainer with top stables than Niko does as a teacher. He is still receiving a generous payout and more than any lawyer recommends.

Her former husband wants publicity even less than Eve does and hides in remotest Poland to avoid the situation. However, that small mercy didn't stop her family from learning unwanted terms associated with BDSM.

The genuine hurt in her mother's gaze is worse than all the public scorn and shaming.

***

"You blew up your cushy job and life for a woman who has more conquests than prime Hugh Hefner."

James at least has enough tact to wait until their mother away from the table before offering his unhelpful commentary. Her brother is merely a mid-level disappointment to the family. He commits the much lesser sin of dropping law and pursuing a career as a chef. All is forgiven now that he is moderately successful and still married to their dream daughter in law.

"Since when do you follow the tabloids on Instagram? Thanks for your support by the way" Eve quips sarcastically.

"Hey its thanks to me you aren't facing a confrontation by an Interventionist from Texas or something. It was a serious consideration around the dinner table at one point." James waves his chopsticks placatingly

"Are there Interventions for disappointing children who dare to leave suitable husbands?" Eve muses shuddering at the thought.

"If the Michigan Koren community has its way there will be, too many children are straying from the traditional path. You _were_ impressively extreme and public." James chuckles before they split the last spicy rice cake.

"She is pretty I'll give you that and seems to love horses almost with the same passion. Did you have to go for someone so young, Eve? What could you possibly have to talk about besides the price hay, horseshoes and yearling sales?"

"I didn't pick her out of a catalogue rating scale."

Eve doesn't bother to correct his willful misrepresentation of her job. James knows her job well enough; he is just getting a few digs in while they are alone.

"You certainly didn't consider the consequences before agreeing to take her home with you, and now you aren't even together. Why are you still living in exile and avoiding family?"

Truthfully James is within his rights to be much more of an arsehole about the situation. Eve wasn't very forgiving of his transgressions in the past (everything from gambling debts to buying a purebred puppy). As aside from their fractious relationship, her brother genuinely loves Niko and mourns the loss of the comfortable dynamic. James and Niko frequently hang out together when Eve was away at a competition or tending to a horse emergency at odd hours.

"I am sorry you are stuck there playing the dutiful son and mediator" Eve offers sincerely.

James is silent for a long moment as he cuts his beef into further strips, not looking up from the task.

"Two sides make a mediation, sis. Yes, we always love Niko and find this whole bondage thing confusing, but you don't need to write us off so quickly without a fight."

"Jamie..."

The old nickname is as far as Eve gets before the waiter comes with the bill and the enforced period of family bonding draws to a close without a successful resolution, just like the last three. At least they both hug her and responds enthusiastically to her gives for the cousins and nieces.

She waits until she is in her car before letting the tears fall, and the emotions become overwhelming. Despite the amount of practice disappointing people who love her never gets any easier. No matter how stifling the expectations are in the first place.

Eve resolves to book flights back home for her Dad's birthday and Christmas. This trip will happen even if she is shunned from the cheesy family Christmas card in favour of Niko's new girlfriend.

***

"So am I putting a certain Russian prodigy on the payroll?"

Bill has shown impressive restraint when it comes to questioning the woman who is exercising his horses multiple times a week. As one of the few friends to stick by her after the drama, the former intelligence officer has more rights than most to question the wisdom.

"As if we could afford the rates, she charges for even a social media appearance. Oksana is just returning the favour for my work with Villanelle." Eve explains as they huddle in the corner, eating their second helpings from the buffet menu.

"After nursing her dam through two rounds of bad colic, you were never going to give up on that filly. or her rider for that matter if I'm reading those long walks in the paddocks right."

Keiko Palgrave isn't there to offer criticism of his sodium intake, so Bill is willingly returning for multiple helpings. The diet and lack of stress have done him wonders. The therapy centre is doing the older man as much a good as the clients and families.

Eve barely recognises the man she met ten years ago working on corruption and drug trafficking in the equestrian competitions. Eve was the vet sent to consult on the case. Her primary role was to examine the horses that were in failing health due to drug cocktails.

"Hate to break it to you, but there was a fair amount of blackmail and bribery from Carolyn in the picture. That woman hates wasting resources above all else."

"Seriously Eve be careful with that one. Don't undo all the progress you have made staying with us on a whim and the smile of a pretty girl."

Everybody in her life seems to want reassurances that the aberration is over, that the past year is a passing flight of a fancy or madness. The friends and family still talking to her assume that because she isn't in public with Oksana or suddenly wearing leather that this must mean that, sooner or later, sanity will return. Eve will either turn to Niko or a suitable replacement without causing fuss or drama anymore.

What nobody understands that Eve undid her life's plans for the reckless womaniser who also spent the night tending to an ailing therapy pony.

***

"I wanted to prove you wrong."

In many ways, Eve is expecting Oksana to follow her to London. The blond woman certainly isn't happy about the prospect of postponing their sessions for two weeks. Eve is on the receiving end of multiple sulking tantrums, threats and blackmail. In the end, Oksana appears to concede defeat, which is never a guarantee when dealing with a rich athlete use to get getting her way in all things. Its almost surprising the conference isn't mysteriously cancelled.

"Proving me wrong is hardly a difficult proposition at the moment."

The woman waiting outside her hotel room door is still a surprise. Oksana looks nothing like the glamorous temptress of her brother's imaginings or the casual exercise rider Eve is getting to know every Wednesday and Saturday.

Eve moves cautiously as not to startle and animal as she takes in the oversized jacket (stolen from her office at the stable), pale features and messy hair. The scene immediate brings back memories of the chaotic moments before the ambulance arrives, and she is trying to keep Oksana conscious and in the dark about the extent of her injuries.

"What's wrong, Oksana?"

Eve isn't an expert in human anatomy. You don't need such training to see that this woman is leaning strangely and wincing on every second inhalation. The vet has seen enough falls and troublesome landings to guess the severity but not the reason for her presence.

"Can we continue this conversation somewhere that isn't the hallway?"

Eve bites back a gasp when Oksana meets her gaze. Her pale skin displays the black eye and faint traces of a handprint. Throughout the length of their, affair Eve was so paranoid about leaving marks she knew the tale tail imprints beneath the redness.

"Who did this to you?"

Oksana smiles almost genuinely at the protective growl and gentle touch from the older woman as she struggles to her feet without assistance.

"What are you going to do Eve, hunt down every overly enthusiastic dominant with vaguely Asian features to avenge my honour?"

"Something like that"

Eve fumbles for the card to unlock her room Oksana is uncharacteristically quiet as she waits. She frets while trying to review the human first aid training that she does every year as part of her work for a Carolyn and the clinic.

"I left before things got out of control just like I promised you."

" Your face would indicate we have different definitions of 'out of control."

"That's a debatable point - until the end, you were a genius at trending the line between danger and safety.

***

"Villanelle disagreed with the direction of our gait training exercises and threw me, silly, spoiled girl."

"There is no way you two are up to riding in the dressage area much less any pattern work.." Eve scolds as she asses the state of the room's complimentary first aid kit.

"Did you miss the part about trying to prove you wrong?"

Eve gently pushes Oksana onto the double bed choosing to ignore the images the posture invokes. Typically this woman has a flawless stance that displays her years of training almost as well as countless medals. Now she is instinctively guarding her ribs and trying to rotate her ankle without too much pain.

"So instead of getting treatment like any rational person, you risk further injury by following me to London in peak hour traffic?" Eve clarifies as she prepares an icepack.

"I stopped off at Lavander before that though. My bruises fit right in there let me tell you." Oksana almost sounds sincerely apologetic

At the mention of the famous club, Eve doesn't bother to conceal her bark of laughter as she gentle turns Oksana's head, assessing the range of motion.

"At least that one is better than some you could have chosen. Is there any pain when I move your neck?" Eve asks quietly

"This isn't the first time I have fallen in a dressage arena Eve. My injuries aren't serious, no worse than the play fights back home. Americans are so soft about such things, don't worry, I'm not going to sue Bill, wouldn't be worth it anyway. Villanelle has more value in her mane than that entire place."

"Oksana..."

"What, I still like Storm, Sunshine and the others - even if they have ridiculous names."

Eve peels off her old stable jacket and motions for Oksana to remove her teeshirt. It is a testament to her pain that Oksana doesn't take the opportunity to flirt or tease. The bruising along her back and side looks painful, but there aren't any other warning signs like a wheezing gasp or prolonged breathing issues.

"You'll live with some pain medication and rest, though you won't be riding for a while, not even Storm"

"But he almost has a halfway decent gallop now."

"You are not going to mount even the slowest pony for at least two weeks. If I have to rat you out of Carolyn or Konstantin, I will do this in a heartbeat. Villanelle isn't the silly one in this equation. She needs to try to gain confidence again, you arrogant fool."

"Yes, Doctor Polastri" Oksana parrots obediently.

Eve doesn't bother to respond to the institution as she tends to the minor wounds and watches for reactions in movement. Cursing in Polish feels oddly satisfying.

"You know that I speak most of the languages close to Polish, right? You need a better code, Eve."

***

"I could have anyone you know."

Eve looks up from the book she is pretending to read. Oksana is falling asleep on her shoulder the painkillers and heavy meal making for a sophomoric combination. She doesn't have the heart to set ground rules when the younger woman looks so vulnerable and genuinely scared. The impromptu sleepover is a bad idea on multiple levels but so was freezing Oksana out months ago.

"Your powers of seduction were never in doubt, Oksana, least of all to me."

"Then why are you the only person I can think about, no matter who is in my bed?

"Sleep Oksana there is no need to ponder such psychological mysteries now. The questions will still be there in the morning, as will the small mountain of icecream you ordered from room service."

Oksana shifts to find a more comfortable position and reach a hand to play with Eve's hair, her long fingers feather-light despite their natural strength.

"I knew I had to have you the second you let me kiss you somewhere in Belgium."

"I knew you wouldn't meet any resistance the second you challenged my farrying technique and called my preferences in horseshoes old fashioned."

"Carolyn Martens is what passes for wealthy in this country. You could afford much better equipment as well as a designated Farrier for the trip."

"I am perfectly capable of doing primary hoof care. There is no need to to spend money just for the sake of prooving you can" Eve argues with a smile.

This conversation is ridiculous but strangely comforting at the same time. Eve enjoys their talks back at the clinic but taking care of vulnerable Oksana is something else entirely.

"I miss touching you" Oksana whispers against her neck without touching the skin.

"I like you like this without all the perfect makeup and fancy filters. You don't need to do anything drastic to get my attention next time; a simple text will work just as well. Save me bulking from Carolyn for not saving her favourite investment from injury."

"Next time we should go to Lavander together and save me the trouble of finding a second rate replacement for the night."

"My spectacular failures in the scene most likely have me on some blacklist or Simpson Parody. Besides anything, you can barely stand right now." Eve offers simply

Fortunately, the flash of publicity and attention from the media was brief, but it was brutal and generated plenty of gossip in the clubs and forums.

"There is more sympathy out there than you might think. Plenty of went to offer you guidelines or practice and equipment trips" Oksana disagrees as she draws random patterns.

"Including Carolyn"

"That woman has serious kinks...."

"Don't finish that sentence."

***

"Your metabolism is a wonder of science."

Eve comments as she watches Oksana devour pancakes with approximately ten scopes of ice cream. The younger woman is lounging in the hotel robes, and her long hair is still wet from the shower. Her injured foot doesn't look too swollen beneath the compression bandage.

"Stop eating like a sparrow, Eve. This combination is wonderful" Oksana shoves a rainbow mess in her face.

Eve politely declines to focus on her much more reasonable sized fruit salad and omelette. She isn't nieve enough to think that their relationship has appropriate boundaries. But sharing bites of ice cream is a bridge too far in the light of day, especially with how so few clothes Oksana is wearing.

"Would you like to join us for a presentation Managing Foot inflammation or the latest advancements in treating Stable Cough?"

"That sounds so boring, why don't you skip the snooze fest and come shopping with me. I've seen you wear this jacket at least ten times, which is the real tragedy in the situation."

"As tempting as that sounds, I have a job to do here, providing first aid to you notwithstanding. You can stay here as long as you want but don't forget to take the medication and rest your ankle."

Oksana tries to sulk, but her face is a riot of ice cream flavours and toppings, which lessens the effect. Eve wordlessly hands over a stack of napkins.

Eve is collating her bag for the conference and a croissant for Bill. Oksana occupies the room for less than 24 hours, but already the place looks like it belongs to her complete with mess, clothes and food.

"Will you let me take you to dinner to say thank you?"

The vulnerability in Oksana's voice catches Eve's attention more than the offer itself. She nods her agreement before the doubt can creep in, and the younger woman's answering smile is worth the debate.


	4. Learning in London II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Rysler for volunteering to catch editing mistakes

_Heightened, enlightened, lucid and frightened_

_Better roll on, try to tighten up the game_

_Cause everyone’s got something to say_

_Stay out, laid out_

_This heart is played out_

_And I’m made out like some wild bird of pray_

_Cause everyone’s got something say_

_Goodbye all you dealers_

_The cold ones and the feelers_

_Dreaming just gives glory to the grave_

_And everyone’s got something to say_

_Seems like everyone’s got something to say_

Marlon Williams - Something to Say

Somewhere along the way, Eve develops genuine feelings for Oksana.

Despite some reasonably impressive self-denial, she knew that her time with the Russian was more than a wild fling. Throughout her years at university and marriage to Niko, there were plenty of opportunities for flings with either gender. She didn't enter this relationship and the subsequent affair in a state of crisis midlife or otherwise. Oksana is more than an outlet for her emotions and kinky desires.

If anything proves the truth of Eve's belief, it's the sight of Oksana waiting in the lobby by the hotel restaurant. Her companion for the evening borrowed or stole a dress that perfectly complements her figure and hides the bruises.

"Your appalling diet doesn't have many consequences than," Eve says drily as she falls into step behind the waiter.

Oksana shrugs before taking Eve's arm with an element of possessiveness. They are drawing attention as an unusual pair, but it is unlikely that this crowd knows of their backstory. Eve focuses on moving properly in her heels and matching Oksana's longer strides.

"We won't be talking about horses tonight or work. You can tell me everything about Dr. Eve that doesn't revolve around therapy or sick animals."

"If I have to do something so difficult, you need to do the same. Can Oksana Astankova make it through one evening without innuendos and flirting in three languages?"

Oksana makes no promises as they take their seats.

***

"I haven't read a book for pleasure in two years. My kindle is a shrine to reading lists with no end."

"Was it you who had all the romantic stories about girls and their horses as a child?" Oksana asks curiously.

"Hardly. I was reading every science textbook that the school library had. I begged my parents for animal anatomy books instead. My brother jokes I will inspire a Tim Burton film one day."

"I hate speaking Russian, but I still think in the language of my birth no matter how hard I try. The less than connects me to that place, the better."

"Where is the city that brings you the most joy? You must know every continent by now."

"Only in a certain way and by how hospitable the people are to certain appetites," Oksana remarks evasively, trying to step to their deal.

"Amsterdam then?"

"Amsterdam is a tourist trap now for everyone who thinks they want a little excitement in their lives. Some parts are still worth visiting but only in the bleakest winter." 

"I can see you swooning over the dancing horses in Paris or somewhere. A place where the buildings have character and the shops have no price tag."

"The view from such places gets boring after a while. I leapfrog from one thing or anything trying to avoid ever-present boredom. Paris is lovely, though. We should find some French horses to review one day"

Eve doesn't answer but cannot deny she finds the idea of such careless escapism appealing. The absolute worst thing has already happened, in terms of her career, reputation and family ties. Oksana may leave as soon as she and the horse are better, but she is still here offering an insight.

"You weren't the first woman I wanted to have an affair with, just the most tempting. My husband is a good man, but he bored me to distraction. Our marriage was long over before you entered the picture."

"I don't feel guilty about what happened between us. I don't even regret the permanent reminder." Oksana shrugs.

"I will feel guilty for the rest of my life for the pain I caused both you and Niko in different ways. But I'm learning such feelings aren't the same as regretting our time together."

"I'm never going to conform to a domestic ideal, changed by the power of love or lust," Oksana warns.

"Neither am I." Eve agrees.

***

"I know we won't keep you forever but thank you for all your work so far. Bringing Sunshine back from that infection means the world to those kids."

Eve tries not to feel awkward at the praise and sincere gratitude. Her work at the Equine Centre gave her a safe place to hide and recover. Bill did need an onsite vet /day manager, but he found the money to pay her a decent wage rent-free.

"I'm happy to do it. The medicine doesn't change with the breed of the horse or the specific role. I still want to look at the six potential new ponies and small horses with Sunshine and Storm's temperament. The initial assessment shouldn't take more than a week."

"Sounds like a good idea. I'll get Keiko to draw up the paperwork and set out an itinerary. Take Oksana with you she can test the mounts for any stubborn streaks."

"You must be joking."

"How is a work trip any different from spending most of your spare time either with her or Villanelle? You will make a good team and save me money along the way."

"If this is some bizarre form of matchmaking..."

"Division of labour. Matchmaking would involve a lot less work and time doing Excel spreadsheets for me. Whatever you do or don't do after hours is up to you."

Eve can see his point if she squints hard enough. From a professional standpoint, they do make a formidable team, and Carolyn will approve of the field trip for the sake of her stables if nothing else.

*** 

"What drew you to horses in the first place?"

Oksana gives her a vaguely disbelieving look as they settle in the restaurant for lunch. Eve doesn't trust her guest to remain alone in the hotel room, besides Bill is better at the socialisation aspects of the job.

"Let me guess you want the romantic story about how I read the Russian version of _Black Beauty_ and fell in love?" Oksana asks, sarcasm emphasising every word.

"Do I seem like the type to swoon over romantic movies and sentimental anecdotes or that I would believe one from you?" Eve retorts as she butters her roll.

"You can't help being American, the people that invented the heroic narrative and redemption arc. Why do you want to know such ancient history anyway?"

"If you can rediscover your simple pleasure for riding without an agenda or expectation, your dynamic with the competition horses might improve."

"What makes you think horses weren't just a convenient way out of Russia. An escape route using my natural ability both to ride and to charm wealthy men into sponsoring me?"

"If that's all it was you would have given up on Vilenelle long ago and wouldn't be abiding so strictly to Carolyn's rules. Besides, you would have turned Vilenelle into a future broodmare and sought out your next champion regardless of the consequences."

"Is that so, Dr Fraud?" Oksana drawls.

Eve changes tactics before she can lose her nerve about asking the original question. Agreeing to shepherd Oksana on a road trip feels like a massive step in either the wrong or right direction.

"Do you have anything planned for the next ten days?"

Eve tries for something approaching a casual tone but her voice cracks somewhere in the middle. Luckily Oksana is too busy swooning over the dessert menu to pay attention. The waiter is getting angsty as he is sent away for the second time.

"Carolyn is keeping me on leash that isn't fun. Konstantin is waiting for me to heal and all your charges are in better shape than ever, I have no plans," Oksana mutters dismissively.

"Would you consider coming horse shopping with me?"

Oksana almost vibrates with excitement as she nods vigorously. The smile on her face is genuine as she launches into a ramble.

"Are you finally going to board a horse again and start riding? Carolyn would give you one of Villanelle's siblings at a discount. The older brother who is too stubborn to compete he would be perfect..." Oksana reaches for the napkin and starts drawing a rough routine.

"I barely have a house, Oksana. There is no way I'm investing money into one of the most exclusive bloodlines in Europe. We are trailing six additions for Bill. I will do health and endurance testing. You will be testing them as riding animals for the kids," Eve corrects firmly.

"Oh, ok, then. I could loan you the money..."

"No, Oksana!"

***

"You are going on a road trip with her?"

Elena Felton works as Carolyn's executive assistant as such nothing much phases her. She is the one who dealt with the social media fallout from the affair becoming public knowledge. Martens Stables didn't lose clients or breeding contracts due in large part due to her skilful handling. Eve can't prove this hunch, but its possible Elana also generates several of the more sympathetic hashtags.

Carolyn wants her to stop by the London office to report on her progress with both Oksana and Villanelle. To make up for the last few month radio silence Eve brings her friend's favourite takeaway for lunch.

"It was Bill's idea. Oksana knows our animals exceptionally well and is a good judge of horse temperaments. It will save the stable a fortune in hiring a journeyman rider," Eve explains hastily.

"Her skills as a rider are not in question here. It's her apocalyptic effect on your judgement that worries me."

"We were equally responsible for damaging each other. Carolyn isn't wrong about her emotional state and return to form my responsibility." Eve counters as twirls a piece of pasta.

"You know I platonically worship Carolyn Martens, but she is looking at the big picture and the next competition calendar. There is a reason all the books and TV psychiatrists recommend a clean break, my friend."

"Distancing myself from Oksana did nothing but make the situation worse and heighten obsessiveness. Maybe familiarity will let to me gaining some perspective on the situation. Even if the time together is a bad idea, she needs support from me."

Elena doesn't comment further as she finishes the last of the garlic bread. Unlike the time with her mother and brother, the silence isn't heavy or oppressive. Real friends are the ones who stand by her no matter what their personal opinions. Carolyn needs to give Elana a raise in the next bonus round.

"Just promise me you will call if things get out of control. My flat is always available."

***

"You need to stretch more."

Eve doesn't realise she makes the statement out loud until Oksana turns to glare at her. The rider's movements are stiff and almost clumsy as they walk around the gardens of Carolyn's stately home. As with most things in the older's woman's life, everything is ordered and purposeful with a collection of flowering plants and vegetables. 

"I'm fine - all the doctors and people at the hospital gave me a gold star for my recovery. Even the witch from Estonia is pleased with core strength." Oksana glowers in defiance.

Eve knows that Oksana's speedy recovery is the mark of her age, good genes, and being in excellent physical condition as a baseline. None of the progress is due to patient compliance.

"I feel like I should record my voice saying the same thing. Your limbs are out of alignment when you work, much less get on a peak condition horse. An injury isn't a situation you can charm, bluff or steal your way out of."

Oksana answers the mini-lecture by kicking off her shoes and breaking into a run. Eve barely has time to protest before gliding into a series of perfect flips along the fence line. Her long limbs adjust to the movement almost perfectly, and she lands on her feet and hands thoroughly. Eve is no judge of such things, but she can see her natural athleticism and decade of gymnastics training.

Eve takes several calming breaths as she waits for the younger woman to jog back after her fourth flip. The arrogant smirk is annoying, but the recklessness irks far more.

"Congratulations. You are lord of all physical domains," Eve offers before starting to clap sarcastically.

Oksana looks caught off guard as Eve closes the gap between them and wrenches aside her teeshirt. There is no noticeable disturbance to the ribs or diaphragm, but there is a slight redness of fresh bruising. The amateur gymnast is breathing harder than she should with that minor exercise.

"Unless you want me reporting to the Estonia Physical Therapist from your nightmares, you will stop pushing your body to such extremes to show off," Eve commands stiffly.

"I'm..."

"A human being no matter how hard you deny this fact. Walk back slowly and run a salt bath before we leave."

***

"Is Elena my replacement?"

Eve knows better than most that Oksana is capable of saying and doing anything. The relative tranquillity of the train ride out of London lulls her into a false sense of security. Oksana didn't say much of anything once they left Carolyn's place with a timetable for Villanelle’s triumphant return.

"What are you talking about?" Eve asks in bewilderment.

"Carolyn's assistant, the one who wants to rule the horse world, is she offering you private services after hours?" Oksana explains, patronisingly slowly.

There are so many things wrong with that particular assertion that Eve doesn't know where to start. The bubble of hysterical laughter doesn't help the situation, but Eve feels better for the outlet. Mercifully, Oksana doesn't go into detail about her fertile imagination conjures up.

"To the best of my knowledge, Elena is 100% straight or at best fleetingly bicurious," Eve begins an explanation there as the safest ground.

"Like that means anything. Everyone is straight until they are not. Sexual orientation is just a security blanket for the uninspired," Oksana objects.

"Maybe in your world, even if I wanted to pursue Elena, which I don't, her social calendar is full to bursting without complicating a good friendship."

Oksana studies Eve with disconcerting intensity as she appears to mull the answer over. Fortunately, they are in one of the private carriages that Carolyn insists on for the sake of their backs or something.

"Elana doesn't have the makings of a submissive or even somebody who would be open to exploring the concept," Oksana whispers as if she has solved a great mystery.

"The preferences of my friends is not something I contemplate regularly, Oksana," Eve warns, trying not to flush at the line of questioning.

"You spend enough time contemplating mine and I yours."

"No I didn't, Pretty Girl, and that is one of the main reasons for our current disaster."

Oksana drops her head onto Eve's shoulder, carefully positing herself for less strain on sore ribs. There are so many more things they need to discuss or find the most experienced therapist in the world. Instead of words, Eve threads their fingers together and glances out the window.

For once, there is time to have the hard conversations without fear of judgement or criticism from jealous spouses or social media followers. The luxury of silence is a rare one.

Her brother is wrong; there is far more to this relationship than horses and hay numbers. She hasn't discovered the language for them yet but she willing to try for more moments like this.


	5. Flashback, Farriering and Belgium 1/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Rysler for super fast beta reading 
> 
> A couple of people wanted me to explain why I cast Eve as dominant.   
> My rationale isn't entirely solid and I can't claim expertise in the area - but it gave me an excuse for flashback chapters

Balance Flashback

Eve Polastri has many failings as a daughter and a wife.

The list of her sins is on constant echo since childhood and has only changed slightly in adulthood. The central theme is that Eve doesn't try hard enough as a family member. Her unusual job as a personal equine vet to wealthy stables is not the James Harriet lifestyle Eve's parents want. Niko and their conventional courtship is the answer to many prayers, but she is failing to meet even his modest expectations.

"Can you try to remember Mamma’s birthday this time? There are three alarms on your phone."

Eve flinches at the abject disappointment in her husband's voice as if he is waiting for her to fail. She doesn't meet his eyes while hurriedly packing for her trip to review Carolyn's new yearlings and broodmares.

"I already posted a present and a card."

The peace offering doesn't have the desired effect, and Niko merely sighs and hands her a stack of neatly folded shirts and socks. His eyes are so sad, and she doesn't hear that booming laugh anymore, which first made her fall in love.

The unfortunate thing is she can still remember every reason she fell in love. She can't remember when her compromises were enough to make him happy. They don't even fight anymore instead opting to coexist together as unhappy roommates.

"Please just think about what I said, ok, many of the blogs say..."

The last thing Eve wants to hear about is what the 'struggling marriage' internet community says. Her life is enough of a mess without resorting to amateur psychology. Even the professional marriage counsellors were struggling with this level of an impasse. All the books say the same thing that both partners need to be willing to change and value the relationship above other distractions.

The trouble is Eve didn't want to change her career and start working closer to home or resist the kid question. So she fakes doing the homework and trust exercises.

"I promise you I will think about the idea."

Eve isn't lying; she will think about the idea from every conceivable angle. The fundamental problem will remain, but she will do Niko the courtesy of consideration.

Eve hugs him fiercely before heading out the door, hiding her tears and doubts in the familiarity of his smell and the faint traces of Polish whisky.

***

Theoretically speaking, Eve is bisexual.

Her college years provide enough experimentation and brief relationships to guarantee that fact. Despite the current trend of embracing and publicising such identities, Eve never felt the need to make anything official. She doesn't have enough interest in relationships generally to risk more wrath and disappointment from the Korean immigrant community. Even if Eve is a professional nomad, the pressure from home casts a long shadow.

Niko rather desperate suggestion that they either open their marriage or try 'spicing things up' echo on repeat in her mind as she drives to the first stable.

Eve isn't against the idea in principle. She knows plenty of couples who enjoy unconventional relationships and do so openly — however, its not the right solution in this situation. They don't have the communication strength to discuss Christmas civilly much less the inner workings of desire.

It wasn't like this in the beginning when they built a good life together. As a couple, they holidayed all over Europe with and without her family members. She pushed him to seek more out of his teaching career than mid-level position, and he taught her the value of relaxing. The marriage was good for years before the rot set in.

Niko doesn't have the temperament for sharing or exploring different sides of sex. He is a one-woman man through and through. Anything else would bring more problems into the dynamic. Sex can't be a replacement or substitute when therapy fails.

Whatever happens, Eve won't regret this marriage and the happiness it brought. She sure as hell isn't going to enter a threesome with an overly enthusiastic chemistry teacher who wants Niko.

The therapist would go so far as to call that a hard limit.

***

Technically speaking Eve is entirely faithful to Niko.

She cannot claim many other prizes as a wife, but she hasn't crossed that one line despite numerous opportunities. Her hectic schedule and devotion to the horses prevent any major temptation. The community of elite horsemanship is too small not to relish any hint of scandal or intrigue.

Her interest in Oksana Astankova is entirely academic.

The young Russian rider is brash and brilliant riding the young horse from one of Eve's favourite mares, who had a problematic delivery. It is gratifying to see Villanelle thrive under such expert handling even in the relatively 'boring' confines of a training arena. Both perform the different moves flawlessly, and the trainer nods in approval when the routine is over.

"For all the trouble and the scandals, she is one hell of a rider."

Eve turns as Carolyn Martens joins her at the fence dressed in her usual 'working entire' of designer farm clothes suitable for lending a hand if the need arises. For all her faults, this aristocrat does not shun working hard at the place that bears her name.

"Since when have you ever shied away from a little scandal and gossip, don't you have Rupert Murdoch on speed dial?"

"Don't be foolish Eve, scandal in equestrian circles do not rate a mention in such gutter rags; I made sure of that long ago."

Carolyn Martens is an influential aristocrat who saw the need to make her money work and not live off trust funds and legacy dividends. She has almost as much passion for collecting friends and companies as she does horses. The stables remain the centre of a healthy and robust empire that survives multiple recessions and changes in government.

"Yet you hired the tabloids favourite subject to ride for you almost exclusively. That's going to draw a certain level of speculation."

"She has other redeeming qualities, including managing some of the most temperamental animals from that hustler that calls himself my ex-husband."

Eve nods her head, wisely staying silently on that particular hornet's nest.

"You enjoy the display she puts on or are you thinking of getting back in the ring yourself? The amateur games in your age bracket are big business." Carolyn observes cryptically.

"Don't be crazy, the gristle that serves as my hamstrings would snap at the first practice jump. I have no natural talent nor the inclination to subject a horse to that horror show."

"You would have a cheerleader in Oksana."

***

"Sorry to deprive you of your afternoon show."

Eve looks up from the foal she is watching suckle at the distinctive Russian accent and vaguely mocking cadence. The woman in question is leaning against the stall next to Eve, trying to appear mysteriously, yet without disturbing the temperamental new mothers from their feeding schedules. Sometimes Eve envies the natural grace and poise with the younger woman.

"What are you talking about?"

"You enjoy watching me train every lunchtime; there were too many appointments today to ride." Oksana offers with a shrug and confident smirk.

Eve makes a notion on her iPad, struggling to contain the blush creeping up her neck. Oksana flirts with everybody, but recently she seems to follow the vet around whenever Carolyn needs veterinary services. Their schedules seem to overlap more than statistically likely.

"Sorry, to dent your massive ego or anything. I have a soft spot for Villanelle's dam and sire, and I like to watch their offspring after such a difficult birth."

"Sentimental foolishness, but she is a good horse with high spirits and a temper. You like to watch me too, especially in short sleeves and jodhpurs."

"I am married, to a man." Eve hastily adds the last part on a whim.

"So were my last three lovers, that doesn't change the equation in the slightest." Oksana offers with a shrug.

Eve fights a ridiculous stab of hurt at the confirmation that she is nothing but a passing challenge. Anybody with a rudimentary knowledge of Instagram can see that Oksana has the proverbial girl in every city. The notion is still disconcerting for no logical reason.

"It does for me, besides the fact that I am 20 years older than you."

Eve's voice sounds defensive and stiff, but she can't help the tension. Of all the scenarios she envisions, attracting the attention of Russian heiress didn't rate the top 100. The most disturbing element is that Eve has to consciously fight the urge to offer a witty and flirtatious response.

"I've slept with people 30 years older than me and ten years younger with no complaints from anyone. The form you admire so much translates well in the bedroom," Oksana quips as she chews her gum.

"Jesus, either end of that continuum is a terrible idea on multiple levels. I am sure you don't lack for groupies in the right circles with the win at Burghley ."

"That didn't stop you from letting me kiss you somewhere over Belgium."

"Let is a strong word."

Everyone was a little drunk on both Carolyn's expensive wine and the thrill of victory at a challenging competition. Everyone was practically dancing on board the private jet. Oksana's surprisingly passionate kiss was easy to ignore as the heat of the moment.

***

"Are you completely insane!"

There are a few things Eve Polastri hates more than people being reckless with animals. There is a level of cruelty in the industry. More than a few vets are guilty of promoting or concealing the evidence. Such practices were not going to happen under Eve's watch, not with such valuable animals.

Eve barely resists the urge to yell as she corners Oksana in one of the spacious tack rooms. Most of the horses here are temperamental and flighty by nature and do not enjoy loud noises. For once, the younger woman is looking anything but put together as she carefully replaces bridles and ropes. Long blond hair is stuck to sweaty skin, and there is more mud than clean clothes on display.

"Nobody was hurt Eve, and Kenny asked me to put Dancer through his paces for competition," Oksana shoots back as she kicks off the mud from her boots.

"Through his paces does not mean taking him over a full set of jumps. I distinctly remember Kenny telling you about his injuries and inflammation in the leg," Eve hisses angrily.

"He isn't as mesmerising as he talks, and you have far better hair."

"This isn't a joke, Oksana. This is animal welfare and many people's jobs dependent on keeping these horses well. Not everybody can swan off to Greece for a six-week holiday if this career doesn't work out. Carolyn is generous with her staff but not that benevolent."

"I care about riding and horses! Just because you are jealous…”

Eve barely registers that she is crowding into the woman's personal space, but the temptation is too strong. The calmness is so annoying after such a reckless display of riding for someone who should and does know better. Oksana presses up against the neat row of blankets but makes no move to retreat or get away from the scene.

"Dancer is fine. I didn't push him beyond his limits. He shouldn't be taking up valuable feed and training time. Not if he can't take such a ride after five weeks rest," Oksana argues hotly.

"This isn't Mother Russia; horses can take a little extra time if it keeps them healthy, especially for stud fees."

"There is resting then there is babying the horse till he dies of boredom. These animals are built to run and compete."

"Still not your call to make, read his medical file next time and follow the instructions to the letter and stop that!"

"Stop what?"

Eve grabs the younger woman's jaw between her stiff fingers and forces their eyes to met before answering the question.

"Chewing gum like a five-year-old child."

Oksana relaxes completely in her loose grip, her dark eyes alert but not displaying any sign of fear or vulnerability. Her perfume matches the one her horse is named after. The actions are oddly sentimental for a woman who claims to have a more worldly view of such things.

"I'll read your stupid notes and trot for the rest of the week," Oksana sighs obediently.

Eve jumps when she hears one of the trainers calling out for her attention. The optics of this particular entanglement would look even stranger to an outsider than they did to Eve. There is no reason to start gossip with a woman so far out of the closet she practically marshals a personal rainbow parade.

"Good. You weren't entirely wrong; Dancer is a hearty crossbreed with superb reflexes under such a rider. Sorry for losing my temper like an arsehole."

***

"If you want people to read your medical recommendations, you need to keep them to 10 pages or less and add more pictures."

The unsolicited advice/stage whisper comes as Eve is carefully replacing the shoes on her favourite of the geldings. The boy is calm and allows pretty much any procedure for a neck scratch. It's almost a shame that he wasn't able to breed.

"Pictures and brevity aren't the main purposes, but I will take your feedback under advisement," Eve comments drily.

"You have all the farrying technique of a 16th-century apprentice. Why are you doing that anyway? You look hot with tools, though."

Eve pauses to stretch her back, monitoring the fit of the shoe and giving the horse a quick pat. She gives Oksana a curious look, trying not to be distracted by the tight dress and high boots.

"There is no need to call out a professional for a simple replacement. I paid for my last year of school by doing odd jobs on the farm. Besides, being a 16th-century apprentice is hardly an insult.”

Eve feels sweaty and grimy in comparison to Oksana's fresh, clean look, but she moves to stand in front of her in any event. She is smiling as the younger woman sneaks an apple to a nosy mare.

"What are you doing here, Oksana? Isn't your date waiting?"

"I lied in Belgium."

Eve offers a tentative smile, feeling off-balance at the strange seriousness to Oksana's tone. Her pale cheeks were flush, and she plays with a silver bracelet that jingles softly. The younger woman continues to bounce lightly on her feet as if waiting for a chance to escape.

"Belgium is a blurry memory for most people: you need to be more specific."

"I wasn't drunk when I kissed you, or at least I wasn't drunk by Russian standards. Carolyn's wine is decent but weak."

"Ok..." Eve drawls out the small word unnecessarily.

There is no point in denying the effect this woman is having on her, marriage vows or no. She wasn't going to fall in line like a groupie just because she has her attention for a while.

"Have dinner with me, let me apologise for worrying your ethical code, Dr Polastri."

The offer was tempting since she skipped breakfast that morning in favour of paperwork and a meeting with Carolyn. There is an impressive array of restaurants within a mile of the stable. Oksana looks fantastic in that dress, and it will provide a distraction from her thoughts and lonely hotel room.

"I have plans tonight but perhaps some other time," Eve lies smoothly.

"Do these plans involve anything or anyone without four legs?"

"Whatever my plans are, they are safer than being around you in that dress," Eve offers.


	6. Road Trip Time

_Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare._

Planning for a road trip with Oksana is a surreal experience. 

Of course, doing anything remotely ordinary with the younger woman still feels strange. Their entire relationship, in all its incarnations, revolves around extreme actions and emotions. Maybe Carolyn, the grand strategist, is right and this little adventure. First, Villanelle and the other horses will have fringe benefits. The truth is she enjoys Oksana's company no matter how many red flags or cautionary tales. Her brother and mother might be right about the potential humiliation and heartache. Suppressing desires didn't do anybody much good. 

_"Remember I do have the contact details for a competent instructor in your particular peculiarities if the close quarters prove a challenge."_ is Caroline's parting remark. 

_"I love you but don't you dare start trending on Twitter again, no matter how surprisingly flexible you are" Elena warns with a fierce glare._

_"You can assess horses in your sleep. Don't stress out about things too much. Whatever else she is, Oksana can pick a horse for the stable." Bill is annoyingly zen in his retirement career and late-stage fatherhood._

For a wealthy heiress with a borderline shopping addiction, Oksana manages to restrict herself to four bags for the trip. She even feigns listening to Bill and Keiko when they outline what is vital in a therapy horse from a rider's perspective. She only starts swearing and gesturing when they start asking to 'ride badly' a few times. 

"We need to get a sense of how they move for people with less balance or coordination; naturally, we can't get our ridings up there."

"I can judge a horse almost as well as I judge a woman's interest in me." 

"Since when has a little something like their interested level stopped you flirting your way into bed?" Eve wonders out loud. 

"There was one time with the Finish ambassador," Oksana offers before returning to a large packet of M&Ms. 

"Isn't Ms Stein in her 60s?" Eve asks incredulously. 

Oksana gives her a long stare without bothering to answer such an obvious question. Her stories about conquest are both startling and strange. 

These week is going to be a long one. Oksana dresses in a perfectly acceptable manner for hours of riding and barn work. However, the material leaves little to the imagination. The colours are Eve's favourite and she remembers ogling that particular shirt somewhere in Sweden. 

**Horse One: Bellbird - (Appearances and Appraisals)**

"But she is so ugly."

From limited supplies, Oksana manages to summon enough control not to say the comment in the hearing of the horse’s current owners. The ten-year-old mare is a beloved family member, but the father needs to relocate for a job. The oldest son has complex medical needs, and Bellbird appears to have the ideal temperament for Bill's stables. There is absolutely nothing ugly about the animal, nothing exotic, but nothing ugly either. 

"She isn't ugly, but she isn't looking for a beauty queen, Oksana." 

With minimal complaining, the rider approaches the horse while Eve talks to the family. Bellbird is the perfect size for older children and adults. There are no problems in her history, either medical or with riders. The horse spends time with children of all ages and collection of animals; Eve likes how the mare deals with Oksana when a barn owl hoots. 

"Do a simple pacing routine before a canter, Oksana. Please don't anything fancy yet," Eve instructs as she starts running through the standard assessment. 

Oksana is looking loser and more relaxed on the horse. Her weight distribution is better even riding with the light saddle. The ribs and bruising can't be causing too much trouble. She smirks at Eve in satisfaction every time she passes the vet or weaves around and obstacle course. 

"I think she is worth a trial," Eve concludes as they watch the horse trot to rejoin the herd. 

**Horse Two: Ophelia (Compassion)**

Somewhere between Stable One and Two, Eve begins to forget about why she is fighting this attraction to Oksana so much. 

In many ways, she is unfair to her Russian companion. One minute she is putting up romantic boundaries, the next Eve is begging her not enter clubs. Many people call Oksana's behaviour unpredictable and out of control, but there are patterns if she knows where to look. Eve's inconsistent in provoking responses in somebody who craves attention above all else. 

Oksana is matching her pace to Eve's shorter strides, but their hands don't need to brush so many times. Eve doesn't need to lean into the touch. 

"This girl will be an ideal companion for Storm and some of the special Olympic Horses. We might even get you back for training demos if you and Villanelle aren't too busy conquering every stage again."

Oksana shrugs non committedly even though she is itching to compete again. As with most things they talk about the future only in generic terms. Eve will return from exile at some stage but not for a while yet. 

"You are making good progress with her," Eve offers comfortingly. 

"Am I making progress with you Eve? 

Eve pauses to consider the question before guiding them towards the barn. There is sadness in the tone but also a trace of hopefulness. 

"We were never good at defining the rules of engagement, but I'm still here and will do a lot to stop you from hurting any more."

"According to Konstantin, I need a fair amount of watching."

"I know that." 

**Horse Three Hermes - (Energy)**

"I like him." 

Eve resists the urge to smile up at Oksana as she watches her canter their latest charge. The tall bay horse effortlessly moves around the arena and doesn't shy or hesitate at the multiple distractions and noises at the fence line. Keiko's money is ensuring they have access to some excellent stock for review. 

"You are just saying that because of his bloodlines and you are bitter about not winning his sister in that auction," Eve calls out. 

Oksana reigns the horse in with a grin. It offers a word for word assessment about why the horse will be suitable for the therapy session, everything from attention span to distractibility. Eve watches as Hermes sits there patiently as Oksana shifts the weight clumsily. 

"Why you were paying attention when we were speaking?" Eve asks in wonder. 

"Do I get a reward for being such a good report thing, Doctor?"

"We can discuss such things over dinner providing we can pull you away from the dessert menu," Eve quips as the rider dismounts. 

Eve strokes the horse, searching for different signs from a medical perspective. He looks healthy and with decent genetics. The musculature is excellent. The trial period back at the stable will reveal any problems with temperament, but the signs are promising. 

"I think you are as taken with Hermes as your partner." Oliver Hartman offers as he holds out a file. 

**Horse Four: Hestia - Hope**

Oksana takes to kissing her at every given opportunity. 

Seeing as they are on the road together for the week or so, there is plenty of alone time. Eve wants to put up boundaries and insist they talk through the ramifications, but it is too easy to full back into the familiar rhythms. Except this situation is far better because she doesn't have the lingering guilt of failing Niko. One advantage of their mutual obsession is that they can make the briefest touch meaningful. It takes Eve a while to reason that they are returning to the same stable as yesterday. GPS isn't nearly as engaging as Oksana pressing kisses against her neck. 

"Wait, why are we here, is something wrong with Hermes?" Eve asks, her professional instincts taking over. 

Oksana grins broadly as they pull up to the house. The Hartmans are standing waiting for them; the parents smile at Oksana as she leaps out of the truck. There is an air of conspiracy between the group. Eve is suspicious, but she can't imagine Oksana getting into too much trouble here. 

"Bill and Carolyn both say you refuse to get a horse even though you want one," Oksana rushes on and pulls Eve towards the barn at a ridiculous rate. 

"Oh no, Oksana you didn't. I don't have space or riding condition anymore. The divorce settlement is far too much..." 

"Hear me out, Carolyn is offering you boarding and supplies until your finances are better. The price is perfect, and you already like the line," Oksana grins like an overexcited child. 

"Hermes has a sister who we cannot sell for regular prices, but she needs more experience than her brother. Hestia is a wonderful mare. We love the idea of her going to a great home." Mr Hartman enthuses from behind them. 

Eve blinks in surprise when she sees the tall mare with a black coat gleaming from expert grooming. She is smaller than her brother but has the same robust features, her ears a flicking back calmly at the fuss from the humans. The idea of exploring her riding feels like a distant dream since life on the competition trial and the resulting scandal with Oksana. Niko did not share her passion for animals and didn't want to live rurally. 

"She is beautiful," Eve moves slowly towards the animal. 

Her clinical assessment is almost automatic, from the athletic conditioning to the muscular chest and legs. Eve feels like the teenager who first fell in love with horses as a teenager. There are that same excitement and tenderness. 

"Oksana you didn't need to do this...we talked about my limitations at the moment."

"I don't always obey you, Eve, and giving you back a part of your dream doesn't count as disobeying. Even Bill approves of her. If things don't work out, Bill will keep her for the family" Oksana tries to appear casual. 

Impulsively, Eve pulls the rambling woman into a hug, kissing her on the cheek. It feels surreal that they are doing this in public in front of people who view them as nothing but people in a relationship. For once, they don't need to offer justification or qualification. 

**Horse Five: Saturn- Deception**

The owners of the last horse are Russian. 

To be more specific, a woman and a man are yelling as they approach the house. The horse in question is in one of the paddocks at the side of the house. 

Eve doesn't speak it, but her ex-husband has several friends from the region. She knows enough of the language to recognise it from its linguistic relatives. However, her knowledge isn't needed the way Oksana tenses as they walk up the driveway is a dead give away. Over their frantic weeks together, Eve became an expert in her lover's body language. Her tension and pain are hard to miss. 

"What are they saying?" Eve whispers. 

"The usual, the animal is a waste of money, and they better get a reasonable price, probably they use horses to launder money from the Motherland."

Oksana is trying for the tone of supreme disinterest, but she is watching the young stallion intensely. Usually, the socialite has no trouble not caring or at least pretending not to feel any emotion. However, there is something about this particular situation that is breaking down her defences. 

They are here under pretences; there is no way that the flighty horse is right for equine therapy. Sadly, Eve has seen this situation before, people trying to get animals out of adverse conditions by offering them as therapy-suitable. Tender-hearted Keiko routinely shelters and rehabilitates ponies, horses and donkeys; the movement of a man strolling towards the horse brandishing a crop planning on bringing the horse in for inspection makes both women tense.

"Oh, hell no." 

Eve moves towards the scene as the horse is starting to panic. He is trying to rear away from the human in the paddock. This approach isn't the interactions of a horse and his groomer; no sensible person makes that kind of statement with such a powerful animal.

"Eve, what the hell are you doing?"

Eve ignores her and leaps the fence, thankfully in her most hardened boots. Fortunately, she is too far away to attract attention; Bill taught her how to contact the police silently. 

"Hey Petrov, don't touch that horse, the police are on the way. Drop the strick and back away, for your safety of nothing else idiot."

***

"What the hell were you thinking?"

Eve looks up in surprise when Oksana shoves their room door open with enough force to make it rattle. Silence reigned for the four hours since reporting the unusual findings and outlining findings to animal welfare and the police. On the scale of things, this is a relatively straight forward case; the RSPCA was looking for an opportunity to open a file on this owner and his business dealings. Eve does enough welfare work to know this system well. 

"Those animals suffering, I'm a vet, Oksana. There is no way I could leave them to such a fate, not when I can do something about it. There are far too many situations that I can't control to let this one stand," Eve points out calmly. 

The words do not succeed in satisfying Oksana, and the tall rider paces the room muttering a string of curses and looking for objects to break or throw. Eve moves so she stays in Oksana's line of sight waiting for a suitable time to interrupt the rants. 

"They were criminals, Eve. You were this close to being on the end of that weapon and not in a fun way! The man's forearm is bigger than my whole body, complete with a decade's worth of prison tattoos. Do you think anything besides animals?" Oksana hisses angrily. 

"Honestly no, not when I can take immediate action to alleviate suffering, any vet worth the name would do the same. Remember I worked with the police and guards for years, I alerted them while we were still at the gate..."

"It only takes minutes to bleed out, Eve or have you forgotten?"

Eve isn't expecting the blow, but Oksana is too angry to aim correctly, and it's easy for the older woman to parry the blow and yank her into a fierce hug. Eve's grip is hard enough to leave bruises, but the tactic is effective. The old familiar patterns and dynamics fall easily into place, and the furious temper is over before it truly began. 

"I am ok, Oksana, and I would do the same thing ten times over if it got Saturn and his stablemates out of danger. We are both safe now, and you need to let these emotions go, Pretty Girl," Eve coos softly.

"You are a reckless idiot," Oksana whispers against Eve's chest. 

"I am a vet with training such things, do you think this is the first corrupt and dodgy stable on my rotation? They won't be foolish enough to strike a British citizen over a horse, not with sirens in the background."

"You don't know that."

"I do. Now we will talk about things in more detail when you can look at me without wanting to throw things or murder several of your countrymen. Carolyn would be most displeased if I returned you more broken than I found you," Eve continues firmly. 

Predictably, Oksana moves to kiss Eve hard and passionately. Her slim frame is moving to force her companion against the wall. She knows exactly what areas to touch to provide the fastest reaction, Oksana is like a savant for erogenous zones. Eve doesn't bother to hide her reaction or desire--such efforts were useless. 

"No, Oksana, we can't do this now, not when we are still running on adrenaline," Eve snaps sharply trying to snap them both out of the lust haze.

"The sharpest things in here are my French manicure and a butter knife, do you worse with those Eve," Oksana challenges breathlessly. 

"No, this is a hard limit for me." 

"That's not a sexy kind of limit, Eve." Oksana pouts. 

"It still holds." 

Oksana shuffles to the shower without further protest. 

***

"Can you stay still for me?"

Oksana does as instructed as Eve strokes a hand through the long blond hair that is still wet from the shower. They are far from acting out any power games or dominant dynamics, but something of the old ways lingers. Eve thinks things are something close to aftercare and working through whatever issues Oksana spends the better part of decades hiding from, Saturn is not the first horse to be abused nor will he be the last in her presence. There is something about the combination of Eve, Russian gangsters and the horse that feels different. 

"I feel too much when you are around. You are reckless when it comes to your safety, all for animals with brains the size of fruit." 

"I could say the same about you, Oksana, rushing around to get the nearest thrill or kickstart. Those last few competitions jumps were borderline illegal."

"Nobody expects anything different from me. You notice that people aren't shocked that I ended up at the wrong end of knife play, only the wielder." Oksana points out flatly. 

"Your life is still valuable even if you take reckless extremes to feel."

"It if makes you feel any better, your session of blue balling me is more memorable than my last ten lovers, including experts in the fields," Oksana whispers, with a surprisingly chaste kiss. 

The complaint is a familiar one, but there is no heat behind the words. Eve focuses on whispering the same comforting words for a while, mainly to prevent Oksana from flying off the handle again. They have a long drive home with the three, possibly four, horses for Bill and Hestia. The police may need another statement, but these are concerns for the morning. 

"I will come with you to the club next time you want to go. Call me first?" Eve asks in a bare whisper against Oksana's check.

Oksana tenses before turning to face the older woman, her eyes are alight with curiosity and confusion. Returning to the club is something trickily topic with them. 

"Which of my many arguments on the merits of that idea was the victor?" Oksana asks a trace of arrogance returning to her voice. 

"None of them. We are already in this dynamic; we might as well get professional help, not your latest injuries heal" Eve replies with a helpless shrug. 

"I can work with that. You need to get to know Hestia first, not that that will take long I chose her especially for you, complete with an average price tag."

"Thank you for the wonderful, if unnecessary, gesture." 


	7. In love

Dr Eve Polastri is in love, and that simple fact makes Oksana insufferably smug. 

Whatever horse and person matchmaking the younger woman did between Eve and Hestia is spot on the mark. For all her frivolous nature, Oksana is a keen observer of people and their motivation. More often than not, she uses these talents for her amusements, but not this time. 

Contrary to popular belief about the life of a vet, Eve didn't dream of working with horses or even animals as a child. Her parents didn't have the money for the pony club circuit. She always loved animals and had the marks in science for veterinary school. Horses were a natural fit once she started reading about the complexities and challenges. Meeting Bill and Keiko and their hobby-turned-passion only solidifies the commitment. 

Maybe the people in her life were right after all. Committing to the horse is a way of dealing with the trauma of the public scandal and divorce. At least this will be more productive than binging both calories and Netflix. There are only so many episodes of medical dramas one can safely consume. Hestia is the perfect combination of excellent training and temperment; they will learn together. 

_"She is a pretty one. Will fit right in with broodmares and geldings. Don't worry about anything from this end," Elena comments enthusiastically._

_"We should go trial riding one day, once the baby stops leeching all my nutrients and coordination,"_ Jess offers after watching a video. 

_"She'll serve you well Dr Polastri, a good length in that stride,"_ Kenny compliments. 

Her parents aren't horsing people, but they appreciate the significance of the investment and the likelihood that this will be the closest they get to grandchildren. They send over vouchers for her favourite tack stores and purchase the first six months of grain and hay. The peace between them is still brittle and liable to break at any time, but the gesture is still meaningful. 

***

"Oh, you are such a lovely girl. They were foolish enough to give you up for any price."

Eve knows she sounds like a teenager with her first show pony, but she does enjoy making all the clinical notes for the horse she owns. The Hartmans weren't overselling Hestia bloodlines and her temperament is lovely. She will fit in well with the other animals at Bill's stable until she makes firm plans. The mare is already a favourite amongst the grooming staff and trainers. 

"I would be jealous, but I take advantage of my opposable thumbs in a way you appreciate."

Oksana is leaning against the stall, smirking at Eve from behind designer sunglasses and riding gear. Her posture is one of confidence and seduction. The rider has enough sense to tone down her public flirting now that they are back home, but she doesn't miss any opportunity to let her appreciation be known. 

"I can admire more than one thing at a time, Pretty Girl. There is no need to get buyer's remorse," Eve counters mock seriously. 

"I don't regret anything. You were suitably appreciative when we brought her home. That one night was worth the purchase price ten times over." 

Eve doesn't react to the insinuation and continues grooming Hestia. Oksana is tracking her every brush stroke. It still feels surreal that her most straightforward actions have such power over this seductive woman who could claim anyone. The dynamic is still in a state of flux. Still, the open appreciation without guilt is refreshing. Especially now that Niko is dating again and is happily introducing the science teacher to extended family in Poland. 

"Your standards must be slipping if such plain activities bring you satisfaction," Eve points out almost absently. 

"Having you in any way is more than I expected after last time. You make every interaction anything but vanilla, Eve." 

The adoration in the quiet declaration is evident and Eve doesn't bother with the self-deprecating comeback. Oksana is going to share such sentiments regardless of the counter-arguement. Rationality went by the wayside the first time they introduced ropes and safe words. 

***

"Well, she is an exquisite stalking gift at least."

Carolyn Martens is many things, but fundamentally she is an equine geek. She could rival the Queen in her knowledge of the animals and performance parameters. The idea of inspecting the new acquisition is far too tempting for her. Eve basks in her approval even if she doesn't necessarily need it. 

"I wouldn't characterise Hestia as such Carolyn, at least not exactly."

"Don't be naïve, Eve. If Oksana weren't such a vain peacock, she would brand the animal with a love heart or another motification," Carolyn disagrees.

"We are still sorting things out," Eve protests weakly.

"All I care about is that I have a functional rider again. A champion that doesn't look like a sack on her million-dollar filly. Whatever she needs to do to get to a healthier state doesn't bother me. At least the two of you have enough sense to stay away from knives this time."

"Kenny's teenage years must have been a fantastic rollercoaster. Could he successfully rebel in any way? Eve wonders out loud. 

"You and Oksana aren't my children. You are an investment which is no longer self-destructing. I expect to see you back in my office in the new year, Eve. Your holiday with the ponies cannot go on forever. I want you in the first competitions, and so does your girlfriend."

Eve doesn't bother to protest the judgement. She wants to get back into the elite game, especially now that Bill is in a much better space. Carolyn procedures great horses but they are high strung and fussy. Eve has the knack for keeping them well and out of trouble. Spending time with Oksana in public is no small inducement either. 

"I'll make an appointment with Elena," Eve promises meekly. 

"Good. I'll look forward to seeing you then and watching you with your mare." 

Eve struggles not to blush when Oksana bounds over, standing far too close for casual interaction. However, she does avoid groping in public which is something. 

"Oksana," Carolyn acknowledges politely. 

"My liege." 

"Good purchase, maybe I'll send you scouting for me." 

"For the right price," Oksana barters.

"A framed photo of the good Dr Polastri?" Carolyn offers dryly. 

***

"When are you going to ride her? She isn't there to swoon over, Eve."

Eve resists the urge to argue the point. In many ways, she would like nothing better than pampering her mare and watching her enjoy grazing with her new stablemates. Building enough trust to ride Hestia feels like a daunting task. Oksana refuses to let the matter drop though and pesters her a daily basis. 

"Whenever I do, we won't have witnesses, I wasn't overstating my lack of natural talent, Miss Olympian."

Oksana scuffs at the notion but doesn't launch into how much she adores Eve's body. She slumps into the visitor's chair, intent on not letting Eve get back to work without a firm promise. Her companion does mind overly much; they are both due a lunch break anyway. 

"Come on. We can be useless and broken together."

"You are far from broken, Oksana. Don't talk about yourself like that."

"Its nothing that the international ranking committee and Konstantin aren't saying already. There are plenty of prodigies willing to take my place in the pubic area. Surely, your time at the Happy Farm hasn't dulled your knowledge of the competitive edge?" 

"You are making plenty of progress; anyone can see that and Villanelle is preforming beautifully for you," Eve counters. 

"Not fast enough for this sponsorship cycle. Russian oligarchs aren’t known for their loyalty when such sentiments start costing them money." 

On the spurr of the moment, Eve moves to shut her office door and turn the lock. Oksana must genuinely be in a funk because she doesn't register the action. Her attention remains on the posters on the wall. Her posture sad and defeated. She definitely registers being pulled to her feet and shoved against the desk. 

Eve kisses her with more passion than purpose, but it doesn't take long for Oksana to melt and shift familiarly. Her sounds and touches are so familiar that Eve feels a sense of safety that doesn't match the circumstances. A lunch break isn't a sure thing when you run a stable. 

"Enough of this talk. You are every bit the arrogant champion with or without the endorsement deals," Eve breathes against Oksana's ear. 

Oksana doesn't reply but kisses further down Eve's jawline, being careful as always not to leave marks. A reckless part of Eve wants to tell her to bruise. 

"I approve of your therapy techniques, Dr Polastri." 

***

"You own a horse with your mistress now?"

Jamie is the only one in her wider group of family and friends to make the connection between Oksana and her new horse. He is still diligent about following them both on social media. The regular updates on the stable Facebook page are easy enough to work out if you know what to look for, and her brother is astute in such matters. 

"Well technically speaking, our roles..."

"Ew, I do not need to hear about your sex life, Evie."

Eve struggles not to laugh at the truly scandalised tone her brother is adopting. It feels lovely to joke around with him like this, even if he will always hold a torch for Niko as a brother-in-law. Their sibling relationship is more resilient than she realises. It helps that he is spending more time in London and is considering relocating here in the new year if things with Brexit stablise. 

"It was a series of fortunate events. The former owners needed a quick sale, Carolyn has room to board her for me and our personalities mesh well. Oksana showed positive restraint in not buying six horses and future breeding rights. What you see before you is a compromise." 

"Still Sis, this is a big step for people that aren't even dating and are barely past the felony stage in the relationship. Are you sure you want to go for the public declaration?"

"Its only public by way of the British tax system and stud registrations. For once my romantic entanglements aren't playing centre stage."

Jamie looks like he wants to challenge her assertion, but he doesn't for fear of starting an argument. Eve stood by him when he messed up his twenties, and he is responsible for doing the same thing two decades later. It would have been far safer for his sister to stay with Niko and avoid the notoriety, but there was no chance of that happening now. He needs to learn to accept a Russian hellraiser with a tendency towards over-the-top gifts. 

"Don't make me ride a horse in the wedding party or anything."

***

"Here."

Oksana received the package with suspicion. Eve doesn't blame her; she isn't the gift-giving type unless bruises count. Her poor wrapping job doesn't do her any favours. The setting isn't fantastic either at the Parent and Family party at the stables. Eve likes these events far better than then the glamour sessions Carolyn hosts, even if the food is far less gourmet. The vet fits in better with this crowd, even if she struggles to speak with children in general. The horses are a safe topic of conversation. 

Oksana is barely coping with the fact that Storm and Sunshine are in costume and posing for endless rounds of photos. To her credit, she only protests for about 10 minutes when Bill asks her to join them for the day. Eve suspects her surrender has more to do with their dinner date afterwards than any genuine desire to be there. The tall Olympin stands in the corner with a judgemental smirk. Still, she helpfully answers questions from one of the older teens who wants to transition into the regular competition circuit. 

"There are children here, Eve!" Oksana stage whispers in mock outrage and offense. 

"Open your gift already. We can discuss presents of a different nature later tonight. Bill insists that all the volunteers get something small in recognition of their time, even wealthy Russians with borderline kleptomana," Eve explains with a shrug. 

Her companion doesn't need any further instructions — Oksana tears into the package with childish enthuasism. She makes the children around them look graceful and restrained. The giant mason jar is full of Oksana’s favourite lollies in neat even rows of bright colours. The sweets range from cane sugar to sour and come from all over the European factories. The health professional in Eve feels a little guilty for contributing to such a shocking diet, but at least the quality is high. 

"A small thank you for gifting me Hestia." 

Eve doesn't even think about it before moving over and kissing the younger woman on the cheek. The action is chaste and nothing in comparison to what they have done in public before. However, there is still something significant about acknowledging the relationship and attraction in a public setting. Incidentally, nobody cares or deems the action worthy of comment. 

"I am not sharing!" 

Oksana makes the declaration while clutching the jar protectively and glaring at any children who come within a metre of their current location. She looks like an overgrown version of her compettion. 

"Nobody is asking you to share, Pretty Girl. Don't eat them all in one go. We have plans for tonight that require all your mental facilties," Eve instructs. 

Oksana's gaze softens with excitement and anticipatioon. There is no hard and fast rule as to why Eve feels confident in taking this step with the younger woman now. Her physical injuries are healing well, but there are still doubts about their psychological wellness, both as individuals and as a couple. 

Tonight is the starting point of extended exploration, for better or worse. 

Eve has more confidence in keeping these vows than her last ones. 


	8. Contract Negotiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not an expert in the BDSM lifestyle and choices but I wanted to portray this relationship type as respectful and involving communication, unlike some mainstream fiction and Fic.   
> I added a few sections that haven't been edited (by the wonderful Rysler) any mistakes are my own.

"You tricked me!"

Eve smiles at the anger in Oksana's voice. Her posture doesn't match the words, though; she is eating her fourth slice of pizza and eying the pile of garlic knots. The extra fees for delivery to her relatively remote annex on the farm are worth it. In their whole relationship, Eve can count on her hand the number of meals they shared that were preludes to sex. 

Oksana was having similar thoughts on the matter. She looks genuinely put out to still have her clothes on and to be sitting in the living room. 

"I didn't lie; you will need your mental facilities for the night." Eve disagrees with a broad smile. 

Oksana glowers at the neat states of paper suspiciously while chomping at her food, not bothering to read the contents. Eve knows that it will be a contest of wills to get her to take this matter seriously with minimal innuendo. 

"We can't progress any further without setting firm boundaries and communicating like functioning adults rather than hormonal devotees of Bacchus or something. Exhibiting some self-control is the only way to make things work. That includes talking about boring things away from horses and our friends." Eve explains cautiously. 

"That doesn't include your mini shrine to Hestia I pressure?" Oksana guesses dryly. 

Eve blushes at the comment, her eyes darting to the multiple photos of the young mare that are on the mantlepiece. Eve rarely indulges in photography, but there is something about seeing her horse develop a bond with her that motivates the action. Oksana likes to tease her about the infatuation, but there is genuine affection in her words too. 

***

  1. **Communication**



"We don't need this boring stuff, as long as you avoid major organs I'm ok with everything you do."

Oksana is doing her best to look both seductive and earnest. Neither options work well in the current circumstances. Eve glowers at the reminder of the stabbing and the frantic aftermath. For all her progress, Oksana still struggles with that injury and their joint foolishness. 

"I almost killed you! Any progression we make is going to involve negotiation whether you like it or not." Eve reiterates the point with a fierce scowl. 

"There is nothing I wouldn't let you do!" Oksana almost yells in frustration, her eyes wide and earnest. 

"That's not true Oksana. You are saying that because we’re are besotted with each other. You want to return to the same dynamic. It is not the same thing as being open to anything. I won't take advantage of your feelings again." Eve whispers the explanation. 

"I wasn't a helpless maiden, Eve. I knew what we were doing together." 

"Neither of us had the faintest clue about what we were doing together, and we can push and play together, but there need to be limiting factors. It is too easy for us to spiral out of control." 

"I like out of control."

"Not when it involves your bleeding out in a hotel room. The first rule is that we have to communicate with each other about our needs, wants and feelings."

"I've been doing that for months."

"Not your desires, Oksana, if you are in the right frame of mind to play and if so what level."

***

  1. **Roles and Responsibilities**



"You aren't going to make any unscheduled visits to the _Lilac Room_ or anything other clubs unless we discuss it first, that includes other dominants."

Eve doesn't want to sound overly possessive or commanding but seeing Oksana with careless bruises was deeply upsetting. The emotions are more complex than pure jealousy. Oksana is impulsive enough to place herself in real danger either physically or psychologically. 

"There is no need to be jealous, baby. None of them compares to you. I've told you all this before Eve; why are we going over this _again,_ " Oksana replies consolingly. 

"I don't care if you have a thousand lovers, but I do care if you turn up at my door with bruises and marks from carelessness. You don't need to prance like a peacock to get attention. A athletic prodigy has enough power to command with going for attention." Eve hisses firmly. 

The words aren't entirely accurate (Eve understands her jealousy) but the intent of comment is real. She has enough maturity to realise that she was always jealous of the people that Oksana loves to freely but not enough to lose sight of the main point. 

"Will we go to the clubs and run scenes together?" Oksana negotiates firmly. 

"Yes, but only when we are both ready. I stabbed you and lacerated part of your spleen because I didn't take the role seriously, that won't happen again. Somebody needs to value your life and safety, considering you seem intent on being reckless. 

"Have you memorised every detail of my injury right now to the veins and arteries, Mistress?"

"Don't call me that. I haven't earned such a title from you or anyone. Besides, I have enough titles to last me a lifetime. We don't need the Hollywood version yet. I'm just Eve, but we can work on safe words too. Yes I know every word of your medical file, down to the BP numbers.”

"Niko." Oksana offers promptly trying to prompt a smile.

"No, absolutely not. We are not using that as a safe word."

"I'm hardly going to say it accidentally am I? Poland?" Oksana reasons cheekily. 

"No!"

Eve doesn't want to get distracted from the serious conversation, but there is something so amusing about joking with Oksana. There are moments between the extremes. 

***

**III. Soft Limits**

"Do you even know what you want, Pretty Girl?"

In one way Eve's question is ridiculous and redundant. Oksana Astankova is the ultimate seductress who changes lovers more often than most people do their clothes. The younger woman is vocal about expressing her desires and overall admiration for the female form. At the same time, Eve has a suspicion that Oksana doesn't process or feel sensations conventionally, and true satisfaction remains elusive. 

"I want you." 

Eve cannot help the affectionate smile at the prompt reply, but she doesn't let the big doe eyes distract her from the original question. Oksana relies on coquettish charms to distract and divert from conversations. 

"I know that, but before we were together I watched you seduce and toy with countless women, but there was no real engagement or spark, you may as well have been mucking out a stall for all the interest you gave their touch or conversation. What aspects of intimacy do you enjoy, what makes you happy?" Eve persists firmly. 

"Have you been spying on me, Eve. Were you jealous of that jockey in Jersey?" Oksana smirks at her unintentional alliteration. "Don't be; she was far too small and bird-like to do anything exciting, impressive biceps though."

"I want to make this dynamic enjoyable and safe for you, but we can't just lurch from whim to whim, with whatever flits through that head of yours."

"You want the truth, Dr. Freud? I am bored all the time. The only time I get any relief from the monotony of day-to-day experience is when I'm competing or when I have the attention of a beautiful woman. The rest of the day is like watching paint dry for a thousand years. Don't try and figure me out; Sixteen therapists have tried to date, don't feel bad." 

Oksana lets out a theatrical sigh and flops back into the chair. Her body is contorting into a strange position that doesn't quite convey boredom. 

"You like when I am in control of the scene and following my instructions in both a praise and punishment cycle?" Eve tries a different approach, carefully. 

"Yes. It's relaxing not to think of having a singular focus and being the centre of your attention for a little while. All the sensations are sharper, and every cell on my skin feels like it's on fire." 

The explanation is quintessential Oksana, but at the same time, it makes sense. If Oksana struggles to find engagement, connection and emotional regulation, a singular focus may help things. Women are one of her sources of fascination, so why shouldn't that extend to power games and dynamics? Contrary to what Oksana thinks, Eve doesn't want to psychoanalyze her with the DSM5 or something. She wants to know enough to understand what kind of relationship they are getting into before giving in to desire. 

***

  1. **Hard Limits**



"I am not sharing you with anyone else."

Eve cannot help bursting out laughing at the Oksana's statement firstly because she sounds exactly like she did when hoarding her candy from the children. Secondly, the notion that Eve would have the time or the inclination for multiple bed partners. 

"There are few certainties in life, Oksana, but I can promise you I am not in the market for any other companions, for the scene or otherwise. Negotiating interactions with you is enough of a challenge."

"Not even Carolyn's pretty assistant who buys you lunch and swoons over Hestia?" Oksana asks somewhere between challenging and vulnerable. 

"For the last time, Elena's sexuality is not a changeable thing, adapting to changing whims. If Kinsey needed examples of his scale, she would be on it somewhere." Eve huffs out an exasperated laugh. 

"I don't like it when people change their minds and go for a more normal life. I don't want to share you with a country vet or equine scientist."

"Like Anna did with her husband?" Eve asks gently. 

Carolyn fills her in one day about Oksana’s obsessive love another woman who wasn't willing to leave the comforts and certainties of home life. It takes all of their combined willpower to keep Oksana from throwing everything away in a fit of hurt, wounded pride and rage. As it was, the hotel bills were extensive, and Martens Stables needed to do some swift negotiations. 

"I was too much for her; there was a whole list of adjectives: impulsive, driven, possessive, reckless. All she wanted was a few quick fumbles in a clean bed while her husband was away. I was always going to share her with every other priority." 

"My decent husband wasn't enough for me: his devotion, predictability and kindness. Maybe we can be enough for each other?" 

“We match.” Oksana agrees with a broad smile.

“In a strange way I think we do. Sharing and multiple partners is definitely off the table. Have a good think about the others. Don’t you dare omit anything because you think I might like it or need it.”

“ Don’t speak Russian to me.” Oksana interjects firmly.

“My Polish is at the level of a precocious 5 year old. There is no danger of that.” Eve promises.

Oksana dutifully fills out the list with some consideration. It pleases Eve to see that most of their desires match and maintain compatible. Truthfully, beyond enjoying the overall sense of control, power and caretaking Eve doesn’t have a host of secret desires. There isn’t much she isn’t willing to navigate or negotiate as long as its mutual and safe.

***

  1. **Safety**



"Did you download this from Mistresses-Are-Us or something?"

Surprisingly, Oksana is reading the document in front of her and dutifully agreeing with every point, including the medical restrictions, hygiene and safe words. Eve watches as she almost absently traces the scar on her side as she concentrates. For somebody who is impulsive and distractible, she does have neat, precise penmanship. Eve likes learning these little pieces of information. 

"There are hundreds of guides available. It took some research to find the best ones; I haven't gone into full research mode." Eve said, with a self-conscious shrug.

"We could have done that together and had so much fun." Oksana pouts 

"It wasn't nearly as glamorous as you imagined and involved ethical discussions, hygiene and skincare. We are having the collaborative part of the process now." 

Oksana wrinkles her nose at the description but still looks vaguely put out. She continues to read the document in earnest, making notes in the margins. For all her wild antics and reputation if something interests her the younger woman is bright and hungry for knowledge.”

“Why does everything need so many names and descriptions? I think we can both join the dots what they are talking about without adding twenty adjectives and examples. I’m not a naïve call from pony, and we are definitely not doing any animal play.” Oksana grumbles with a theatrical shudder.

“Not in a million years, animals are strictly for our professional life and for trail rides with Hestia and Villanelle. There are so many descriptions because people often have differing views on what constitutes a particular kink, this helps to avoid miscommunication. “

“What if I discover something I like later or something changes?” Oksana asks hesitating over a particular paragraph.

“Nothing is set in stone. We can go back and changes things if we both agree to try something new. The key is to start from a position of communication and trust.”

“I am taking you on a long trail ride with the horses next week. You owe my for taking me to BDSM school with no kissing and too many clothes.” Oksana insists almost absently.

“That sounds lovely.”

***

  1. **Commitments**



"I want to travel the world with you. Win championships, glory. There is nothing we can't do with we are together and not doing the stupid dance of denial." 

It still feels moderately surreal to consider any future with Oksana that did not involve secret trysts and guilt. It was impossible to forget Oksana, but it was equally challenging to discuss a current relationship. Her family and Niko never could understand that she wouldn't throw away married life and professional respect because of a heedless whim. Whatever this ends up being, Eve needs to explore this dynamic further, it wasn't an optional thing. 

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, but there are still practical things I need to consider before running away with you to join the circus. Your riding still needs work before the competition, and I need to finish out my contract with Bill while settling the new horses. We need to consider bills, utilities and grown-up things."

"You are just infatuated with Sunshine and the ponies." Oksana points out without too much real anger. 

“I will always adore the ponies and my work there but what I’m saying is that we can’t live on instinct, impulse and attraction alone. In a year or two from now, you may find somebody else who turns your head or meets different needs…” Eve begins

Oksana opens her mouth to object, her whole body looks ready to protest the hypothetical scenario. Her total physical commitment to expressing her emotions is a reason she is such a good rider and can read horses so well. At the same time her physicality is part of the reason their relationship disintegration had such a profound affect on her riding.

“I know you think these feelings are an immovable object or an ever fixed mark but it is not healthy for any relationship to be the sole reason for anyone’s existence, especially when powers dynamics have those tendencies anyway. We need to live well _both_ as individuals and a couple.”

“My feelings won’t chance.” Oksana says stubbornly.

“Maybe not but how you approach live and relationships needs to. Not to change who you are, eccentricities and all, but to enable you to avoid burnout and having a flourishing professional and personal life. That is my commitment and my responsibility to help you feel secure and safe.” Eve insists firmly before stroking the other woman’s check.

“Will there still be kissing?”

“Of course, Pretty Girl.”

Oksana hums in satisfaction both at the touch and the reassurance. Eve cannot help the tenderness at how well the younger woman is taking her directions and instructions. So much of Eve’s previous relationships were about trying to be someone she was incapable of being and failing miserably. There is something satisfying about shaping a relationship that is built on her terms without trying for tradition.

***

"I've missed you."

The words sound wholly inadequate after the long meandering discussion about roles and limits; sadly, Eve can't think of anything better. Words and communication were never her strongest suit with or without the added complication of a much younger Russian lover. There are so many complexities to their relationship beyond physical attraction and obsession. 

The bed of the tiny apartment isn't the most comfortable. Truthfully, the small house is Keiko's mercy project. Bill's wife doesn't like the idea of Eve spending all her time in the stables. The clean space is all Eve's needs, but she is grateful for the privacy with Oksana staying over. Oksana does a creditable job of twisting herself to fit on the bed and tangling their legs together in an intimate gesture. 

"Why didn't you come to the hospital to check on me?" Oksana whispers. 

"I did," Eve confesses quietly. 

Oksana gives Eve a disbelieving look, trying to appear unaffected but not quite succeeding. Those first weeks were a chaotic blur of publicity and scandal, but the idea of Oksana in the hospital room bleeding was by far the worse. 

"I waited until morphine did its job and Konstantin was off guard duty. It was surprisingly easy to flout visiting hours when dealing with unusual circumstances and enough money. I stayed with you for an hour or so during that first week. Carolyn knew but kept the secret."

"You were a coward!" Oksana hisses angrily. 

"I've been a coward most of my adult life, starting with convincing myself and Niko that I have the makings of a good wife," Eve agrees softly. 

"My life would have been easier if I ran away with those triplets who modelled for Playboy and wanted to explore their 'bicurious' nature or at least enough for ratings."

"I know." 

"You let me deal with all the shrinks and psychobabble on my own. They wouldn't believe me because you weren't there to back up the story. You were too busy trying to be arrested on every charge imaginable, no matter what I thought or wanted," Oksana continues, eyes bright with anger. 

"I know."

"You keep saying you were responsible for my pain, but the leaving was the worse, you didn't take any _responsibility."_

Eve traces her fingers trips over Oksana's checks, mapping the scowling features. There is a hesitancy to the moment that marks most of their interactions since the younger woman returned. Now that they have the freedom to touch freely, their hands don't move the same way. Eve is still half-looking for marks and damage from wild rides or scenes. 

"I know, Oksana. All I can say is that I won't throw you away again or leave you to face the consequences alone," Eve whispers tenderly. 

Oksana doesn’t give an obvious sign as to whether not she accepts Eve’s apology. A Russian athlete who reaches competition level, from the hard Moscow schools, knows how to maintain a poker face. Eve does take comfort in the fact her companion doesn’t flounce away in sulk or theatrical words. They stay together in almost peaceful silence.


	9. Dates and Desires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Thanks as always to Rysler for boasting canon and confidence  
> 2) I don't hate 50 Shades - its simply problematic :)  
> 3) Not an expert on such things - just wanted to try and give realism and practicality.   
> 4) Will likely become a series.

_Sometimes it's only in the ecstasy of unrepressed movement that we may enter the stillness of our authentic selves. In such sacred moments, the world seems to be in step. This is why the idea of finding love across the dance floor endure — symbolizing that, when we know the true rhythm of our heart, we know the other. Alexandra Katehakis Human Sexuality and Sex Positivity Researcher_

Eve loathes _50 Shades of Grey_ for multiple reasons. 

Despite the name, the books are about as nuanced as tissue paper. Functional for what it is, billionaire escapism, but it doesn't show any variation. Eve still finds it mortifying that her conservative Korean-American parents have these books as reference books for the scandal they daughter finds herself in. The simultaneous popularity and misunderstanding of such dynamics compound the humiliation.

The comments aren't so intense anymore, and there are particular topics that the family agrees not to bring up in regular everyday conversation. There are plenty of safe, neutral issues focusing on the exploits of her brother and her collections of distant cousins. Even her acquisition of a horse is cause for some degree of celebration and reconciliation. 

Eve knows that 'coming out' officially as being in a relationship with Oksana is a risk. There is always a chance of the 'Knife Scandal' doing the rounds on social media, especially if they enter the clubs. At the same time, the internet has a short attention span. Oksana is doing boring things like exercising ponies with the majority of her free time. 

"I want to meet your Russian." 

Eve eyes her brother sceptically as they walk back to his new apartment in London. True to his word, Jamie is splitting his time between London and the States. The siblings are making a conscious effort to meet up regularly and reconnect. The mockery and sly remarks are at a minimum, and he makes suitably appreciative noises about Hestia. 

"You are building some type of relationship with her. Its stands to reason that your more or less liberal-leaning sibling needs to start an introduction. We know more about your horse than we do your Instafamous girlfriend, doesn't seem right." 

"For the last time, she is not 'my anything,' enough with the possessive article of speech. Why do you want to meet her? Your role of Swiss neutrality with our parents is a useful one." Eve says cautiously. 

"We aren't the royals, and you aren't dating Wallis Simpson, Eve. We are too old for estrangement to be practical. Think of the elderly relatives we need to look after for the next decades." Jamie points out reasonably. 

Eve doesn't have anything meaningful or affirming to say so she opts for the next best thing and pulls her younger brother into a side hug, mussing his hair like she did when they were children. There is a long way to go, but it feels like a starting point. 

"We have plans this weekend." It still feels weird to talk about herself as a couple again. 

"You look so cute when you swoon, sister." Jamie teases with a broad grin, slipping into Korean for no reason at all. 

"Shut Up; we'll set up a plan for next weekend after work. Prepare to sit through hours of talk about horses and horsemanship." Eve warns teasingly. 

"That would be different from our everyday conversations, how exactly?"

Eve feels another layer of tension leave her shoulders as they continue walking. Any progress with her family is a positive step when she considers how fiercely loyal to Niko they are and the less than glamourous beginnings to this new phase in her life. She doesn't expect anything like the natural dynamic between the former brothers-in-law, but at least Jamie is making a good face effort to understand. 

"I'll text you a time and place; you can make your pistachio brownies for dessert and ask all the G rated questions you can think of over a nice bottle of red wine. Oksana loves showing off her social media clout so you will be in luck there." 

**

**Sight** : Oksana Relaxing Into The Scene 

During the heady days of their first affair, there wasn't the time or the space to appreciate the little moments. There is such a thrill in observing the physical process of submission. Oksana has stunning musculature, and every feature is now displayed as she waits beside the bed for instruction. Eve can tell it is taking considerable willpower for her companion not to break the pose, but the results are satisfying. 

"Feel free to move, Oksana. We have a long night ahead and staying in place isn't the only form of obedience you can display."

"I know."

Eve hides a smile as she watches Oksana shift her legs minutely. For her, the most satisfying kind of obedience is knowing this reckless woman is starting to take care of herself. They are making significant progress with the rider's physical and psychological recovery, but it would be foolish to push her limbs and tendons this close to a competition. Real-world responsibilities is another thing _Fifty Shades_ refuses to consider. 

"This could become addictive, you know, having the whole night with you without having to consider anything in the morning, the possibilities are endless," Eve whispers as she crosses the room. 

Every sound and interaction is heightened in the stillness of Oksana's barely lived in London apartment. It feels sacrilegious not to utilise the space to its fullness. The bedroom is in neutral colours, but the material is lush and enticing. Eve gently pushes Oksana onto the bed and watches her limbs sink into mattresses. 

"Please don't take all night to make a decision; I might die."

Eve doesn't have the patience for delayed gratification either, so she begins methodically carefully undressing Oksana. For somebody who isn't remotely fashion-conscious, she spends hours selecting the perfect outfit for this evening. The practicality of removing the item is top of her mind, fumbling in the back of a private plane has its place, but speed is essential. 

"I bet this is what you thought about doing after a long day on the trials, how this would be the perfect way unwind." Eve summarises when the final button unclasps. 

"You have no idea." Oksana descents into a few Russian constinants. 

"I wouldn't wager a large amount on that a bet, Pretty Girl, even if you can afford it. My efforts to forget you were a dismal failure." Eve insists firmly. 

Eve wants to turn down the lights and rely on candles for both illumination and atmosphere. Oksana insists that they do everything with the benefit of every sight. 

**

**Sound** : Expensive Materials and Reactions 

Eve rarely shuns her working-class roots but doing this first scene right is an exception. For far too long Oksana was her secret in the shadows, using whatever materials were on hand. There was no opportunity to explore preferences or even brands; everything was about chasing different and more extreme sensations. Eve could barely acknowledge to herself that these were the type of things she desires, much less taking time to examine the sensory experience. It's incredible how liberating not to feeling shame can be both on her mind and powers of perception. 

Oksana gasps when Eve brushes a ridiculous overpriced scarf up and down her body. The litany of sounds is all the more endearing because they are entirely involuntary. These moments are nothing like the dramatic overreactions that her lover uses to shock and scandalise people. The cadence is altogether different, and there isn't a trace of calculation on display. 

"Are you going to tie me up or just taunt me?" Oksana hisses with an edge of desperation. 

"I didn't realise the two were mutually exclusive, not that they need to be too tight, you will still quiet and still for me anyway." Eve coos against her ear. 

Some couples express this dynamic by insisting on silence and not talking once the ground rules in place but Eve wants the opposite situation. Most of their problems were the result of not communicating meaningfully. Besides, Oksana spends her life actioning rather than talking so the distinction worth considering. 

"You know I will." 

Eve dutifully does ties loose knots, careful to keep them from interfering with circulation. The bed frame is perfect for the task and most likely built for the purpose. With the slightest inclination, Oksana could break the restraint and have full use of her limbs. The sound of her body moving to settle in the position makes Eve smirk in satisfaction. 

"Green." 

Oksana voices her consent before Eve can think to check-in, but her soft smile and now happy expression do most of the talking for her. She has a reputation for being icy, and without emotion, nothing could be further from the truth at that moment. 

**

 **Smell:** Different and Distinctive Perfumes and Oils

Eve protests Oksana's extravagant tastes and complete inability to budget, but there are exceptions. The scents her younger lover chooses for the evening are an immersive experience and worth whatever price tag. In an uncharacteristic show of _public_ deference Oksana aks if she can contribute the oils and other such things for the evening. Denying her such a simple idea is a bit like kicking a puppy, so Eve lets her go wild. 

"I am never going to wear any other perfume," Oksana promises in something close to a frantic plea. 

"I'll buy you a crate for your next birthday."

Eve intends for this part of the evening to continue in the sensory deprivation theme and an excuse to explore the scarfs more. Somewhere along the way, she becomes entranced with rubbing the scent into Oksana's skin and feeling the different types of reactions this provokes. 

The scent is subtle enough not to be too overwhelming as the night progresses. Eve makes a point to focus on tender and sensitive points that will absorb and carry the mark into the morning hours. Oksana starts to squirm, but she makes no effort to move away. 

Eve wills her hands not to tremble as she reaches Oksana's abdomen, oddly the smell is therapeutic and chases away the scent memory of blood and metal. Strangely it feels like they are writing over the more painful and destructive memories. 

"You are doing so well, Pretty Girl."

"So are you."

The response isn't strictly needed or expected, but Eve still takes heart in the phrase. This new relationship is going to be mutual in every sense of the world. Eve is learning to move as Oksana is starting to stay in one place. Communication means each of them developing the respective skill sets. 

"Can I convince you to give up tending horses and earn a living doing this and only this?” Oksana whispers brokenly.

"No, but you would want have to pay me anyway." 

"Worth any price." Oksana insists. 

**

**Feel:** The Feel of Their Skin Touching 

Eve doesn't need to go to more therapy to understand why she is afraid of touching Oksana in a truly intimate way again. The knife wound draws her fingers like a magnet, in the same way Oksana needs to learn to ride and trust her horse again, Eve needs to trust her interactions within the bedroom and that they won't slip into the chaotic and destructive patterns. 

Somehow this feels like the last invisible line in the sand for their relationship. Having Oksana playing the role of the willing supplicant is entirely different from becoming equally vulnerable and exposed. This part isn't so much a scene as it is a reconnection between two people who were apart for far too long. There is certain insecurity about being on display as a woman in her 40s in comparison to young Olympic Athlete. 

"Why are you frowning?" Oksana asks as she pulls Eve's top over down her shoulders. 

"Taking care of myself hasn't exactly been high on my list of priorities in the last year. It's going to take me a while to adjust." Eve confesses, willing herself not to turn away nervously. 

Body image is the easiest to explain of the warring mass of uncertainties in her head. There are so many ways that crossing this final thresh hold can go wrong even if with all the goodwill and preparation. Heartbreak is the least of Eve's real concerns. 

"Insecurity is boring, Eve; you know how I feel about you." Oksana dismisses quickly. 

As if to prove her point, Oksana pulls Eve down and tangles their limbs together, displaying a rare hint of dominance. More often than not, relationships can have elements of switching, especially when it comes to novices. Eve cannot hold on to her worries and fears when lips are sucking on her neck and clawing at her back, extra bulk and all. 

"If the whole dominating the world of equestrian gets boring, Tony Robbins might have some competition in the motivation speaking circit." Eve jokes. 

"You should now better than most that I am thinking about being _dominated_ right now, not second career opportunities. Focus, Eve."

Eve tries to be cautious, the worst of their accidents leading up that that 'day' were the result of moments like this, being too close with too much energy charging between them. For somebody who never considers her libido be particularly high, her skin is feeling starved of touch and soon she can't focus on anything else. 

**

**Taste:** Delicate Food and Drink

Its the small aspects of caretaking and nurturing that Eve enjoys the most, not that the more conventional dynamics don't have their place. She enjoys reminding Oksana that ice cream and cheese puffs do not constitute actual food groups. So many people think Oksana is a reckless hedonist with no other driving force. There is a language to such behaviour if you take the time to look closely and overlook dramatic expression. 

"I can think of another thing I would rather eat more than fruit and protein." Oksana tries to pull Eve away from the mandatory break idea. 

"There is no time limit, Pretty Girl. I need to take some responsibility for having you functional in four days. Consider my advancing age as an excuse to refuse." Eve starts rearranging the plates and cutlery. 

"Did you a 'Care and Feeding Your Submissive’ guide on Google too?" Oksana teases, but moves without progress. 

"When it comes to food, you aren't that difficult to buy for; there is no reference material required."

Eve wants something semi-romantic like feeding her lover as something like a reward for good behaviour, but that wouldn't be practical. Somewhat belying her words, Oksana falls onto the food and starts attacking the nearest plate. The UberEats delivery guy earns his tip with the bag volume. He most likely thinks she is feeding a rugby team in here. 

"I'm not done with you." Oksana insists between bites. 

"We can reassess after your five-course refuel."

Eve proclaims, reaching out to select her much more modest portion. She keeps waiting for the anxiety, guilt and tension that is her constant companion since that first kiss and debate over shoeing technquies. Her mind usually races like a skittish colt without direction or purpose. Strangely in the aftermath of this successful reintroduction, the doubts recede to a managable background static. Here there are no expectations or disappointments; she can succeed in this new life, whatever unusual form that takes and however long her path cross with Oksana. 

"My brother wants to meet you for dinner; he bakes legendary brownies if that's any inducement," Eve says in a sudden rush. 

"I am not the girl that people bring home to meet their families. I'm more like a cautionary tale against straying against parental expectations." Oksana's flippancy is almost genuine. 

"I'm not the person that 'Rainbow Lotharios' chose over a revolving catalogue of the beautiful queer woman in the world either, here we are." Eve makes the point carefully, not wanting to scare Oksana away or worse into a state of flippancy. 

Oksana scowls at one of her most annoying nicknames but it makes Eve laugh each time she reads the articles and social media posts. The title is more than a little true but is almost simplistic.

"Orangutans," Oksana counters not looking up from her noodles. 

"Didn't we talk about avoiding ridiculous safe words?" Eve asks slowly. 

“Does your brother use that stuff that kills the apes and forest creatures? The documentaries are not fun to watch.” Oksana explains as if it is the most obvious explanation in the world.

“I don’t think so, he is a liberal person though so I doubt it, especially in his restaurant.”

“Ok then.”

**

"That was lovely."

The soft adjective doesn't fit with Oksana's typical descriptors, and the tenderness makes Eve smile. 

Eve wants to pepper Oksana with check-in questions and health status, but it doesn't seem like the right time. It doesn't take a genius to see that her lover is enjoying this experience. The younger woman doesn't seem to experience the adrenaline crash that the guides warn about, then again Oksana doesn't conventionally process anything, so this particular quirk shouldn't be too much of a surprise. After care consists of waiting for her body to recover and regain strength, not that they were participating in a particularly intense scene. 

"I still think it was foolish for us to have our first 'date' a few days out from your grand entrance onto the competition stage. Carolyn will exile me to the further inhabited reach of the commonwealth if our time detracts from Villanelle." Eve muses as she strokes Oksana's hair affectionately. 

Oksana looks like something between a female Fatale and a jungle cat as she preens under the affection, burying further into Eve's touch, trying to eliminate any space between them. 

"I think she will approve; I am not competing without something like this being a mandatory part of my pre-show routine." Oksana insists reverently. 

Eve laughs as she tries to finger comb a knot out of the younger woman's long blond hair. Oil and such as a wonderful to play with, but Oksana's involves too many harsh chemicals, washing everything off can wait a few more minutes. 

"Our date night met your expectations then, Pretty Girl?" 

Oksana reaches around and pulls Eve's hand over waist deliberately place her hand over the familiar thin scar. She instinctively pulls away, but Oskana's strong fingers hold her in place. There is a message at this moment, of forgiveness and demand. 

"On so many levels, you were beautiful. Those hours reading and signing eight million forms were worth the RSI. I'll eat Kale Smoothies for the rest of my life if you promise to continue with those incentive programmes." Oksana vows in a staged whisper. 

Eve laughs at the dramatic phrasing before rearranging their positions so she can meet the younger woman's gaze. There is a vaguely glassy sheen to her eyes, but it is from pleasure and tiredness rather than pain and fear. If she ever summons the courage to see that sex therapist and commentator Carolyn recommends she will talk about these small achievements. 

"There is no need to be so noble; I think our arrangement is the definition of mutually beneficial. Besides, it's my responsibility to ensure that you enjoy this process." Eve disagrees before kissing her soundly. 

"I was aiming for mind-blowing and unforgettable, saving money on new saddles is beneficial, Eve," Oksana informs her sulkily her face showing a hint of insecurity behind the teasing. 

"Oh, Sweetheart, the fact that we are here having meaningful communication and somewhat existing in the real world is the mind-blowing part. Our sexual chemistry was never in doubt and came as naturally as breathing..." Eve disagrees while tracing her features with a gentle touch. 

"I could have told you that 11 months and six countries ago, it took you a while to catch up." Oksana offers to return to her natural stage of smugness. 

"Thank you for waiting for me." Eve agrees in a whisper. 

"You can pay me back by offering a rematch in Stockholm when you let me book the hotels and don't invent a sick foal to divert your attention. We can spend a week ticking things off your 'Desire and Deviance' List'” Oksana bargains. 

"That's not..." 

Oksana prevents any further protest by kissing the other woman soundly and drawing her into another round. 


	10. Today

_Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do._

"You will be wonderful today."

Eve coos the words to Villanelle as she gives the champion horse a final once over. Technically speaking, there is no need for her to be in the stable on competition day. This space is the realm of trainers, grooms and riders. Carolyn Martens pays top dollar (with benefits) to have the best of all professions. Villanelle is in perfect form for her return to the circuit, all the better for having Oksana back riding her regularly. As an equine vet Eve can appreciate her musculature, bone structure and balance. All going well she will make a fine breeding mare one day. 

"Shouldn't _I_ be the one receiving all your praise and tender words, not the horse?" 

There is laughter in Oksana's tone that Eve knows not to take the comment at face value. After last evening the younger woman is positively giddy and doesn't need any more encouragement or to compete with the horse they both love. 

"My esteem for your abilities should be self-evident by now; I would think, Pretty Girl." 

Oksana slips into to the stall but surprisingly doesn't move into full-on seduction mode. She has the half-distracted look that all top athletes get on the day of a meet. Her brain is already mapping out the cause and potential challenges. Oksana will never put this into words, but she most likely came down here, before Villenelle gets taken for a final groom, in need of a different kind of comfort. 

"You have 287 days of no praise or even contact to make up for, You need to do better than one night, Eve." Oksana insists archly.

"Are we going to be one of those couples with bizarre anniversaries and milestones?" Eve asks without any particular objections. 

"Probabbly." 

"Ok, then."

***

Oksana is not going to win, but it will be a tighter contest than most expect. 

None of the problems that everybody was secretly fearing came to pass. Oksana is riding well and doesn't seem to struggle against the flashbacks and difficulties that were such problems earlier on. Her posture on her horse is effortless and worthy of the comparisons to the great prodigies. Eve may scream if another person says a variation of “she is back." 

The professional side of Eve is looking at tedious but vital details like respiration rate and any signs of hoof tenderness. The lover part is wincing every time Oksana's hands tighten on the reins or the team lands particularly hard. The sound of hooves clipping the jump rail feels unbearably loud. The whole atmosphere feels somewhat alien after the quietness of Bill's enviroment. Eve wants something practical to do, but she isn't on duty right now. 

"Are you ready to come out of seclusion and take a real job yet?"

Eve is mildly impressed that Carolyn manages to wait this long before investigating her future career prospects. They have about five minutes before Oksana enters the arena. The older woman is never one to miss an opportunity for time efficency.

"I take there is no point in asking you to review the seven candidates who I suggested the 87 times we have had this conversation? I didn't invent the equine branch of veterinary medicine. " Eve asks with a sigh. 

"You functional well in my team and charge fairly even though you could gauge me at least six times a year, worse in the breeding season. Kenny likes and respects your way with all the horses, even the companion herd. You speak the significant languages for our Asian investors. Please stop me when I get to a reason good enough for your peculiar sensibilities." Carolyn begins impatiently. 

Eve is holding her breath during the final dressage round. 

If Oksana and Vilenelle's comparative weaknesses are going to show up anywhere, it will be in this particular discipline. Dressage requires such extreme concentration and communication between rider and horse. There are so many ways to fail, even with the slightest miscalculation. Villanelle is still young, and the long break from the actual competition is a factor that could well be in play. She is responsive to Oksana's movements and gestures, but it may not be enough for the judges.

"Relax girl!"

Eve manages to spare Carolyn a glance. For a significant political figure, it does not take much for Ms. Martens to get caught up in the excitement. She isn't even bothering to hide her investment at the moment. Eve entirely wonders if any of her enemies will use the love of horses against her. 

"Which one of them are you talking to?"

"It doesn't matter, they are both dancing like snow hares running from a wolf," Konstantin growls from Eve's other side. 

***

Eve feels conflicting emotions watching Oksana in her natural habitat. 

Her emotions when it comes to Oksana, are always extreme and overwhelming, including the less than attractive ones. Eve knows both in an abstract sense and with plenty of first-hand experience that Oksana flirts with women. Fostering and festering jealousy over such instances is a waste of energy. Eve almost feels a sense of pity for the people that approach, knowing how much it takes to keep Oksana's attention. At the same time, Eve is painfully human and aware of the decades that separate her from potential love 'rivals.' She may not want to share, but Oksana is perfectly willing to test her prowess in the field, literally in this case. 

"Let me guess; you are considering your policy on public displays of ownership?" 

"Jess!"

Eve hisses at the taller woman and struggles to fight the blush spreading up her cheeks. The words weren't loud enough to be overheard with people rushing beyond the scene to keep everything on schedule, but it was the principle of the notion. Equestrian is still a sport where conservatism rules, in public at least. Besides, there seems something inherently wrong with Jess's comments with the baby in her lap. The woman's bluntness doesn't noticeably mellow after the birth of her son. 

"Come now; it's not like you are surrounded by girl pals to talk about this with unless you are recreating a _Sex and The City_ squad and I didn't get my invite?" Jess insists after munching on her 4th sandwich.

Eve laughs at the absurdness of the notion. Jess works as Carolyn's second in comand in her main office, a rarity given her complete inability to play the game and ingratiate herself to the board or any other hirarchy. Being the daughter of a famous horse family keeps Carolyn onside, which is all that matters. 

"Am I that obvious?" Eve is more curious than genuinely embarrassed. 

"To anybody that bothers to look but you make enough of an unlikely couple that people still think it was a passing fling and you ran off with Bill. Oksana is what passes for discreet in her world; it must mean something..." Jess muses. 

"I..."

"For the record, she wouldn't object to a few ownership tokens if you were offering them."

"Would you be Carrie Bradshaw in this scenario?" Eve teases. 

***

"The fault on the turn wasn't Villanelle's issue; the stupid judge is blind and should retire with a shred of dignity."

Oksana storms into the tent with her characteristic theatrics, not bothering to check that Eve is alone in this back area of the competitions grounds. The crowds, noise and memories are a little too much, but it is easy to slip away for some quiet time. She is here strictly in a personal capacity today and a good thing too. The vet on call is already dealing with a promising young stallion with some severe, likely career-ending, legitimate damage. 

"How did you find me?" Eve asks curiously. 

It would be a girlfriend-like move to follow Oksana around for the whole three days of competition its not overly practical given the length of the eventing and limited viewing posts. However, their relationship is still in uncertain territory, not ready for the new gossip and speculation. Carolyn all but insists that Eve stays in the background during critical movements. The older woman may support their relationship, but it is in the broadest sense and doesn't get in the way of practicality. 

_"That girl fixates on you worse than a kitten with a laser pointer. We don't need the sunlight dancing on your skin, or whatever bad metaphor is the adjective of the day. There is no need for bad epic poetry on time."_

"The implantable tracker I ordered from Latvia finally arrived," Oksana replies without a trace of sarcasm. 

"Ok, then."

The main events are finishing for the day with a slight delay due to the injury count. Oksana is likely to hold her position for third or fourth with the current rankings. Carolyn's other horses in the field perform fair to middling. Today isn't one of the more significant dates in the calendar, the kind that attracts royals, but it remains big enough to test the grit of both returning riders and new horses. 

"Why are you hiding in the back and away from all our usual hook up spots?"

"Either one of our bosses will kill me if I tempt you away from the cause today. The call was fine, don't obsess over it. The judge did nothing wrong." 

"I want to show you off to everyone, please?"

***

"I am taking you out to celebrate."

"We didn't win, Eve. there is no cause for celebrating."

Oksana strides up to Eve and Carolyn, still tying her hair from the shower and looking impossibly young in what passes for casual wear in the Martens Stables. In a rare moment of genuine sentimentality, she insists on going all the horse's warm down and care, scowling at Kenny for daring to make other arrangements. It pleases Eve to see that Oksana isn't showing anything beyond the normal tiredness for such vigorous exercise, there is no sign of rib guarding or uneven weight. 

"Third is a creditable showing for somebody who could barely trot months ago, I for one am pleased with today." Carolyn comments without looking up from her phone. 

"Carolyn, I thought I could count on you not to buy into the 'winning isn't everything' bullshit that infects pony clubs nowadays. You spent years working in post-USSR Russia." Oksana sounds genuinely horrified at the revelation of a softening in the older woman. 

"You would do well to learn the value of the long game, Ms. Astankova," Carolyn advises with an enigmatic look. 

Eve knows from long experience that this two can banter for hours if given a chance. More precisely, Oksana tries to win the war of words or outrageous behaviours vs civility and Carolyn enjoys the challenge. The interaction is most likely far more fun than the Oxford Union or wherever else the older woman learns her strategic trade. There are limits to what she will tolerate, but they are the standard barriers for other employees. 

"You guys can debate the comparative merits of Mikhail Gorbachev vs the rest of the world later. The long game involves mundane details like feed calculations and measuring the course. Kenny will want to see you both in the morning." Eve insists, gently tugging Oksana in the opposite direction.

***

"I have a present for you."

Oksana doesn't even bother to look up from her position taking up half of Eve's bed, which she insists is too small for anybody of standard height. The only thing Eve doesn't fight her on is improving the quality of her sheets and the name of a local dry cleaner that does a phenomenal job. She doesn't feel ashamed to welcome her neat freak brother over anymore. 

"I am too tired to do anything remotely fun, and you are the one that is all obsessive about 'safety' and 'alertness,'" Oksana manages to make the words sound like insults without trying. 

Eve sinks onto the bed, pulling Oksana up to sit beside her, refusing to let the younger woman fall back to sleep quite yet. The domesticity of the scene isn't quite as terrifying as it should be with both their track records and relationship beginnings. 

"This isn't the kind of contract that that leads to fun stuff for us, but I figured you might like it all the same." Eve hands over the envelope nervously. 

Oksana doesn't delay the situation and rips into the contents without sparing a thought for ceremony or expectations. Her eyes are gleaming with excitement. Eve winces when she sees the light dim after only a quick read. 

"You are only rejoining Carolyn for a year?" the voice is outraged. 

“Hear me out before you start throwing things or calculating exactly how many dates and trips to the club we can fit into that timeframe, which is a lot by the way." 

Oskana doesn't look remotely appeased by the request but Eve judges that it is safe to leave the lamp within grasping distinct. Maybe it was a good idea to give some context clues ahead of the game, not that Oksana is every likely to return the favour. Eve wills a level of relaxation back into tense limbs and rigid spine. 

"It turns out that I don't make a particularly great wandering nomad, now that I don't have an unhappy home to avoid. The fact that my brother and parents are at least talking to me means something. I like making regular trips to see Hestia and sharing lunch with Jess and Elena."

"Good to know where your priorities are."

"I meant every word I said last night and in the contract but things need to be different. Part of the reasons I nearly killed you was the constant need to be in motion and leaping from therapist to therapist. Things are calmer now."

"Get to the point, Freud." Oksana hisses having little patience for the explanation. 

"17..."

"Is roughly the number of positions we still have to try from your 'guidebook', so?" Oksana is working herself into a full sulk. 

"17 is also the number of rides than Carolyn has you scheduled for that are either a train ride or short flight away from greater London. She is swooning over Villanelle’s half brother and sister. If you want it, you have a job with her for the next four years."

"Not good enough for you."

"I won't be attending the event as a veterinarian, but nothing is preventing me from being there solely to see you ride. The hours of a traditional vet are much more social if you check the envelope you'll see my plans for a private practice near the Surgery Group…" Eve explains paiently. 

Oksana doesn't bother to follow that direction, but she does tackle Eve back to the bed, landing on top. Her tiredness is temporarily over in favour of staking a claim. 

"Does this mean I won't have to share you with a lame colt or a high-strung mount with no grit. Will you be mine every time you come over?

"Yes."


	11. Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing from the world of self isolation - using fic and happy endings and non contact therapy :)

This is a love story. Twisted and messy. Flawed and screwed up. But it's ours. It's us. I don't know how our story will end. but I know it will start. I pick up my pen and begin to write. 

"We need to make changes to your 'sensible plan.'” 

Eve can't help but smile at the way Oksana still manages to make the harmless descriptor sound like the worst insult on the planet. Only her girlfriend would place such unusual emphasis on the word as if Eve is planning the take over of Mars and not her move into private veterinary practice. They were are six months into this new arrangement, and while their relationship was still volatile and unpredictable, but there were boundaries in place. Frankly, it impresses Eve that Oksana is waiting for a leisurely trail ride with their horses and not acting out. 

Even though their time apart rarely exceeds more than three weeks, communicating in person is still enjoyable. Oksana looks every bit the casual rider in jeans and a hoodie. Villanelle is prancing in response to the leisurely bareback ride. Fortunately, Carolyn trusts her rider enough not to protest or bring up insurance. Eve and Oksana's standard 'horse date' is almost a standing arrangement at this point. 

"Did you do a lot of thinking on the plane from Denmark?" Eve teases gently. 

"I needed to do something better than listening to Kenny drone on about strategies for the next eight competitions. We've won the last three in a row. You have one little incident with a knife, and an unhappy spleen, and the boy feels like he has some level of power." 

"You do enjoy antagonising Kenny and watching him flinch every time the word ‘control’ comes up in casual conversation. You could try and hide some of the evidence of our dates, you know." Eve points out calmly. 

***

"We need to look at your amount of pro bono cases. You aren't James Harriet, Eve."

Most of the people in their lives believe that Oksana is a spendthrift who will buy ten versions of the same jacket for fun. For the most part, this characteristic is true, especially when it comes to clothing and perfumes. Eve is continually rearranging her wardrobe to accommodate the purchases. Somehow her girlfriend even manages to find 'fashionable' vet gear that includes a rainjacket and gumboots. Eve doesn't care enough to protest the selection when it makes the younger woman so happy. Another side of Oksana hordes money and doesn't trust banks or conventional saving practices.

"I am making plenty of money to stay afoot. These things will fluctuate with events such as breeding session and the racing calendar. It will take a while for my name to get out there. I can afford to do an occasional farriering or blacksmith task for Bill and Keko." Eve disagrees with a non-committal shrug. 

"Therapy horses are a drain on resources, especially as you won't let me pay for things." Oksana is about ready to restart on an old argument. 

"It's my time, emotion and money to waste. You review the accounts every few months. There is no need to quibble over the occasional pony if the bills are paid." 

"Keiko takes advantage of your bleeding heart nature. At least she has a head for business and profit. Sunshine will have issues for the rest of his life." Oksana knows the case history better than I do and can recite the amount to the quid. 

"I am still going to help every way I can. There is no winning this argument." 

***

"You need to invest in a better camera and microphone system; not even you can pull off the full pixelated look." 

Eve knows that this Oksana's Speak for ‘I miss you and wish we weren't doing such a long-distance relationship.’ She is still sulking about the fact that Eve did stick to her word and leave Martens Stable after a year. The time together had solidified their relationship foundation but always heightened Oksana's possessiveness. Regular online communications are one of the ways to keep things from getting too out of hand. There is an absolute thrill at having power over her lover even at a distance. She forgives Oksana the fact she can never remember a time zone to save her life. 

"We can go shopping for a new set up this weekend. I need one to keep Mom and Dad happy anyway. They still struggle with the screen sharing function." Eve concedes not wanting Oksana to fixate on the point. 

"My reasoning is far more fun and involves fewer clothes. The lighting in your room does need work too." Oksana sounds like she is scheming some sort of hostile take over.

"I find that most things you suggest are the highlight of my social calendar, Pretty Girl. There is no need to compete with my parents for attention."

Oksana laughs at the comment but doesn't respond any further. She knows she has won the argument and we would spend most the following days looking for the best camera system. The relationship is like that, give and take. Eve doesn't mind losing on such a minor point of conection. It would be nice to have a conversation that doesn't involve freezing or cutting off. 

"Remember we will be buying on a budget, Oksana, there is no need to redo my entire computer. We can make do with an off the shelf set up." 

Oksana waves and presses Villanelle into a gallop. 

****

"You need to consider riding at a competition level, to provide a challenge for Hestia if nothing else."

"You want the opportunity to train me for once, and Hestia is perfectly happy being a leisure horse. She gets at least three canters a week and plenty of free runs. Not everybody is built for the area and judges, Oksana. There is a reason I am a vet and not an actress or something. You can be the shinny one in this relationship."

"Of course. But I am not talking about the Olympics, merely local events. There are three or four next year and you won't even be the oldest there. True horse people are particularly ageless anyway."

"Thank you for that ringing endorsement, but I don't need to compete. Winning your affection is the hardest prize I have fought for and enough." Eve smiles sweetly attempting to change the topic with flirting. 

"I did all the work on that front! You were running away from me like you were trying to find Narnia on the way back to the closet. If anything, I won the prize for affection; I even got to keep my spleen in the processes."

"The war of semantics isn't going to make me change my mind about this Oksana; Your intact organ isn't much of a bargaining chip.” 

***

"We need to have a holiday away from all of this and yes away from work."

"I would love to, but you know the practicalities of starting a business. I won't be seeing the black for a while yet. There are too many modifications to the building and the second wave of speciality equipment. We have a few days in the Coswalls after the next competition, a week maybe."

"I am rich, Eve, richer than the Britsh tax system is even aware of, for once quit being so noble and let me spoil you. There are plenty of creative ways that you can 'pay me' back." Oksana insists with more of a pout than an actual argument. 

"I didn't start dating you for your money, Oksana, or your ability to book exotic locations. For the last time, that argument isn't going to work on me any more than it did a year ago. My debts and responsibilities are mine to keep." Eve replies firmly. 

"You might just be the only cougar lesbian on the planet who is ashamed to have a wealthy girlfriend willing to spend money on exotic vacations. It's practically in the handbook as a fringe benefit." Oksana replies snappishly. 

"If I weren't unique and a challenge to your scheming ways, you would have been rid of me long ago. Besides didn't we throw up the rulebook somewhere between the first time playing with knives and the last?" Eve reasons while pushing Hestia to catch up with the younger horse. 

" Look at you, joking about the stabbing, next you will be suggesting a therapeutic recreation or something."

"Hush." 

***

"We need something official, preferably in writing and on paper."

Hestia is a steady and mostly unflappable horse who likes her smooth rides and rarely startles. Eve is thankful for that last point as she jerks on the reins and almost falls off her mount. On their face, Oksana's words are casual and to the point, but the implications are not. In recognition of both their unique lifestyles and the differences in ages and stages talking about long term or legal concepts is something they avoid. The possible exception being the outline of their shared desires and wants from this relationship; such writing isn't binding in any way. 

"What do you mean by official?" Eve asks cautiously, trying to keep her tone calm. 

"There is no need to look like apprentice jockey on their ride, Eve. I am not asking you to put on a white dress or anything drastic, just thinking about taking certain precautions." Oksana explains in a falsely patient voice. 

"We have talked about matching tattoos and piercings, extensively. I'm not going to change my mind, no matter how many times you beg. These are concessions to dating an older woman from a comparatively conservative culture; body modification is one of them.” 

Oksana looks ready to protest, but she encourages her horse to move into a faster walk before replying to the statement. Her words are usually grave and don't hold a trace of mockery. Eve marvels at how easy it is to misjudge Oksana as maverick loon with specific desires when it comes to female company. 

***

"Will there be additional rules to this whole having things down on paper things? Or is everything out of your system."

Eve can't resist the urge to tease Oksana as they unsaddle the horses and prepare them for grooming. Hestia has a permanent place at Carolyn's main stables and Eve does enjoy the access to the many ancestral trials and bush walks. There are many things she enjoys about having Oksana back in Britain like taking their two horses out for a long ride and talking about every aspect of their lives both together and apart. Oksana is much more receptive to things if either one or both of them is in motion. 

"Of course, isn't that what you wanted with the whole 'communication' thing? I am only getting started." Oksana confirms while brushing down Villanelle. 

"I'll look into the paperwork for a civil union or something but please don't mention this too loudly at Jamie's. My brother could never keep a secret from our parents, and they will want a full Korean-Western Hybrid thing." 

"Even though I am the evil temptress who drinks far too much Saki and doesn't like kimchi?" 

"Those are the least of your sins and don't culturally stereotype."

"Your brother asks my opinion on Vodka every time we meet."

"You have an opinion on Vodka every time the opportunity arises. I can't save you from stereotypes you play into, love."

***

The odds are stacked against this relationship ever succeeding. 

Eve isn't naïve enough to think that effective communication, relationship compatibility and a mutual love of horses is going to sustain them in the long term. Whatever Oksana believes about her steadfast commitment, there is every chance that they are heading for another train wreck before the decade is out. Love doesn't fundamentally change who Oksana Astankova is as a person, and there are plenty of groupies still willing to compete for her attention. Eve cannot claim life-long devotion, but she can enjoy progress in the little things. 

"Your nephew is ugly and featureless; a disappoint in the hair department." 

Eve lets out a startled laugh both at the comment and the fact Oksana manages to say it in a near whisper to avoid attracting too much attention. They are spending the evening in her brother Jamie's apartment celebrating the homecoming of his infant son. James announcing a 'later in life' baby with his English girlfriend was a surprise to their parents but not an unwelcome one, it certainly took the pressure and focus off Eve and Oksana. 

It still feels borderline surreal to have Oksana included in these moments. There weren't any decisions about such things, her girlfriend just started following Eve and pretending to enjoy herself. Eve's parents make the occasional snide comment in Korean, but they stop mentioning Niko every few minutes. Her girlfriend doesn't try to fit in hiding their unconventional relationship, but she doesn't try to make Eve's life more comfortable and keep the snark to a minimum. 

"Tobias is a featureless baby; it is far too early to make definitive statements about his hair or anything else." 

"At least your brother has enough sense to use that clothing voucher I got them, though the colour scheme needs improvement." Oksana continues eyeing the baby speculatively. 

Eve is slowly adjusting to the reality of both being an aunt and having somebody to share these moments with, Oksana is the least likely person on the planet to understand babies, but at least she is showing up. Jamie, more or less, understands her tendency to blurt things out now and doesn't take offense. The fact that Oksana makes Eve happy in her strange way counts for allot even if there will never be closeness there. 

"We can take him shopping next time you are home."


End file.
